Pace Fuori

stuck

2011-01-23T18:53:00.001-08:00

Not a bad stuck, but a good stuck.
I'm referring to a story stuck in my head.
Today at church we started a new sermon series on Hosea. I just kept thinking about my favorite book. In fact, I'm itching to read it again (although it is currently out on loan).
The book is called Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers. Amazing parody to the story of Hosea. You can really feel the love God has for us.
One of the things that stuck out to me today during the sermon was a question that somebody asked our pastor earlier this week. They asked if after all that was done by God [through Hosea and Gomer] , did the people change their ways and turn back to Him. And the answer was "no".
So there is that feeling- that overwhelming love from God. He is going to love me even through the decisions where I am turning against Him. Yes, it hurts Him. But it doesn't mean he is going to stop the loving. And it isn't just me. It is all those people he chose to create. Even the ones claiming there is no God. I am just overwhelmed and awed by that simple, loving fact.

Peace out!

refreshed

2011-01-02T15:38:00.001-08:00

I was feeling captive earlier. But then Reese and I just spent about an hour (maybe more) outside. I don't know if it was the 35 degree weather, but I am definitely feeling more refreshed. We cleaned up, we played, and we took our first walk around the neighborhood.

It was good. And so is God!

Peace out!

captive

2011-01-02T11:44:00.000-08:00

I picked this new house to rent because it was advertised as a "country house in the city." It sits on a half acre. It seems secluded. I even have a chicken coop. On several occasions we have even had wild rabbits in the yard.

Those rabbits have been my latest obsession. We haven't seen them outside in the last few weeks. Every chance I get I'm looking through the windows searching for them. I've even been praying that they will return so I can watch them.

I've decided my obsession is based on one word- captivity. The bunnies are wild and free. They exist as part of God's natural beauty. They are free to wander and do whatever it is that bunnies do.

Since we have moved, I've just been exhausted. I'm still unpacking. I'm still refereeing three crazy kids. And now I'm growing a fourth. There is this and there is that. And I feel trapped. I'm praying about it. I'm hoping that as my energy returns I will be less of a captive.

I've been having some strange dreams. Blame it on pregnancy or stress or whatnot. My father-in-law noticed a theme in the dreams that I failed to notice. He suggested I missed being outdoors. He's right, I do. But I think it is more than that. I miss being in the middle of God's Majesty. Nature, family of worshippers, fresh air. I miss it. I feel captive without the pronouncement of God in my life. I'm surrounded by people who don't give a rip about God and it is starting to capture me.

Be praying that I can fight with God for God in my life. For the outdoors, for church, for just that beautiful relationship that only he can give me. And pray that I find the bunnies. ;)

Peace out!

my way vs. asking God

2010-12-30T20:33:00.000-08:00

There have been many things going on here in the Baird house. So many in fact that I have contemplated writing so many times. I just don't know where to begin.
I think I will start by mentioning that I got my way. And I may now realize that I should think things through a little bit more when I ask for something. It isn't bad. They are just changes. I've always liked changes. These, however, have just really thrown me off.
I've been begging Kevin to get a part time job for some time now. And he did. It just happens to be on Saturdays and Sundays from 7 am to 7 pm. He hates it. I loathe it. And I struggle to get to church and keep a good handle on the boys there. It has made going very difficult for me.
We moved in the middle of November. We are still in the same town- just 6 miles north of where we previously were. We are renting a much larger house (almost anything is larger than a 2 bd 1 ba condo). We were able to afford renting a larger house because we convinced Kevin's parents to move in with us. It only works because the house is 3 levels and they live in the bottom one. Nevertheless, it is still trying. And with God's grace, I will survive.
The second thing I asked for was another baby. And God said yes. We are 10 weeks along. Mostly excited (but it seems a little stressful to me right now too). I'm still very tired. I'm frequently nauseated too. My big goal is just to feel good for a whole day.
I have been eating wheat again and all the problems I had previously have come back. I think they may even be contributing to the nausea. So I am once again removing wheat from my diet. Hopefully I will feel better soon. I have also been told that people who have wheat problems, more often than not, have dairy issues too. I'm reluctant to give up my milk and cheese. But I may try it soon just to feel better.
So there it is. My past few weeks in a nutshell. Like I said- not bad. In fact they are all good. But it will take an adjustment period and some serious prayer to survive all that is going on around me.

Peace out!

profound

2010-08-18T08:18:00.000-07:00

The boys are awake so I need to make this quick.
While reading John 4 this morning I found one of my favorite profound tidbits. I've seen it before. I may have even blogged about it. But nevertheless, I'm sharing it again this morning.

John 4:23-24
"It's who you are and the way you live that count before God. Your worship must engage your spirit in the pursuit of truth. That's the kind of people the Father is out looking for: those who are simply and honestly themselves before him in their worship. God is sheer being itself--Spirit. Those who worship him must do it out of their very being, their spirits, their true selves, in adoration."

As I ponder this today (and hopefully other ponder it too) I will try to think about how I worship God. How do I engage my spirit? Is it through discussion? Music? Prayer? I think I also need to think about if I am truly being myself, rather than worshipping as others expect me to.
Just a thought anyhow.

Peace out!

graciousness

2010-08-17T15:20:00.000-07:00

I read from Colossians 4 this morning. Verses 2-6 really stood out to me. Four verses don't last long. It almost seems a little subtle. I don't think they should be overlooked. Here it is from The Message

"Pray diligently. Stay alert, with your eyes wide open in gratitude. Don't forget to pray for us, that God will open doors for telling the mystery of Christ, even while I'm locked up in this jail. Pray that every time I open my mouth I'll be able to make Christ plain as day to them.
Use your heads as you live and work among outsiders. Don't miss a trick. Make the most of every opportunity. Be gracious in your speech. The goal is to bring out the best in others in a conversation, not put them down, not cut them out."

I find myself picking apart each verse and comparing my actions to the commands. I don't measure up. And yes- the fact that I am human says I won't. And the fact that I have God's graces says a lot too. But the important part is that I am trying because of God's graces. He was willing to do all that for me. The least I can do is be gracious. Be gracious to Him for the gift of eternal life. Be gracious with the rest of his creation. And have a heart of gratitude.

So, thank you Lord, once again for a lovely message this morning. Guide my thoughts and actions so that I can share your graciousness.

Peace out!

Hey Guys!

2010-07-28T15:43:00.000-07:00

"HEY GUYS!"
"Hey Layne!"
(For those of you who have ever had me lead you as a group...)

I'm in camp mode. I'll be leaving this weekend for a week long speaking engagement at Camp Ortoha up in Okanogan County. I'm nervous as always. It seems I only do professional ministry once a year now. So I am sweating to get things done and to do them in an engaging way. This year I'll be working with middle school kids- which is a little tougher for me than the elementary kids. But I think we'll be okay.
Kevin will also be joining me and the boys this year. I can't believe that this will be my 4th year at Orthoa, but will be Kevin's first. I'm a little nervous for him, but at the same time I think it will be good for him to get out of his element (which lately has been the stress zone).

I don't really have anything important to say. Just pray that these kids (many who have never been in a church) will feel the Holy Spirit moving them to want to know Jesus a little better. And pray my family and I have a wonderful time.

Peace out!

evaluation

2010-07-11T00:02:00.000-07:00

Yes, I know it has been forever since I've posted. In case you haven't noticed- I have my hands full. The twins officially hit the terrible two's today. And in 2 weeks, Jackson will turn 4. I suppose I'm the only one who has trouble getting on the computer, much less taking the time to be productive on it.

Tonight as I was writing my sister a letter, I somehow got on a seemingly never ending chronicle about having a personal mission statement and a family mission statement. In college I wrote one just for me and where I saw my life going. Tonight, because I was curious, I retrieved the old papers dated the year 2003. So, it has been a while. I thought I'd share most of what was on those papers. I think I'm going to use it as an evaluative tool. I may even decide to change my personal mission statement. Some of goals I've met. And some I don't think I want to meet anymore. So far starters- I'm sharing.

CORE VALUES:
Faith: Absolute trust in God and that He will be committed to me and I to Him. I will also be committed through trust and faith to my family and friends.
James 4:8a "Come near to God, and he will come near to you."
Matthew 6:33 "But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well."
Proverbs 16:3 "Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and your plans will succeed."
Romans 12:10 "Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves."

Integrity: Living a complete and unimpaired life dedicated to God.
Micah 6:8 "He has shown you, O man, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God."
Galatians 2:19-20 "For through the law I died to the law so that I might live for God. I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me."

Service: Within my boundaries, offering myself to wholeheartedly help another.
Romans 15:17 "Therefore I glory in Christ Jesus in my service to God."
1 Corinthians 12:4-6 "There are different kinds of gifts, but the same Spirit. There are different kinds of service, but the same Lord. There are different kinds of working, but the same God works in all of them."
Ephesians 4:11-13 "It was he who gave some to be apostles, some to be prophets, some to be evangelists, and some to be pastors and teachers, so that the body of Christ may be built up until we all reach unity in the faith and in the knowledge of the Son of God and become mature, attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ."

Honesty: "To be characterized by truth, living an open and genuine life.
Deuteronomy 25:16 "For the Lord your God detests anyone who does these things, anyone who deals dishonestly."
Proverbs 24:26 "An honest answer is like a kiss on the lips."
Luke 16:10 "Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much."

Encouragement: To inspire and support those around me with hope, courage, and confidence.
Romans 1:11-12 "I long to see you so that I may impart to you some spiritual gift to make you strong--that is, that you and I may be mutually encouraged by each other's faith."
1 Thessalonians 5:11 "Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing."
2 Timothy 4:2 "Preach the Word, be prepared in season and out of season; correct, rebuke, and encourage--with great patience and careful instruction."

Mission:
To live by faith and creed through integrity, service, encouragement, and honesty.

Roles:
Wife: to love and cherish my husband and support him in all he endeavors
Daughter: to love my parents and continually thank them for all they have done for me
Sister: to support my sisters with love as they grow in Christ
Student: to continue to strive for knowledge and understanding and pursue the interests that I have
Mother: to raise my children in the presence of Christ with compassion, discipline, and especially love
Friend: to lend a listening ear, sound support, and earnest prayer to my friends at all times
Leader: to recognize, train, and equip others in the service of Christ through the unique gifts God has give all of us.

Goals:
1. I want to grow in my relationship and intimacy with Christ
2. I want to marry a loving and supportive husband with whom I can share my life, love, and faith
3. I want to have children with whom I can share my life, love, and faith
4. I want to graduate from college
5. I want to work part time in the church, creating a vision for ministry and equipping leaders to carry it out
6. I want to share Christ with those in my life who do not know Him.
7. I want to be intentional in my relationships while striving for intimacy.
8. I want to live an organized life with clear boundaries.
9. I want to serve and encourage the people around me with my gifts.

So there you have it. Seven years ago I wrote this. I want to rework some of it. Add some here. Take some out. And definitely redo the goals. But above all, I don't just want it to be a paper in a binder that stays hidden on a bookshelf. I want to live my life by it as God inspires me to. And I want to encourage others to think about their personal (or even family) mission statements.

Peace out!

wisdom

2009-11-06T10:24:00.000-08:00

I don't remember how old I was when I first heard the story of King Solomon. I do remember playing the story over in over in my head. And each time Solomon's voice became clearer as he asked God for wisdom and knowledge. I always thought it was a great idea. Wisdom.

Of course the best example of this wisdom was shown in the story about the two prostitutes arguing over the baby ( 1 Kings 3: 16-28).

I remember praying that God would give me wisdom. It was my little prayer (never out loud) that I said so many times. I just wanted wisdom like Solomon. (And maybe the riches too).

It wasn't until years later when I was reading the Bible cover to cover that I read the part where God says that only Solomon will have wisdom like that. (1 Kings 3:12) "I will give you what you asked for! I will give you a wise and understanding heart such as no one else has ever had or ever will have!"

I'm not saying God never answered my prayer for wisdom, nor that he didn't. I'm just saying that since I heard about Solomon and his wisdom I wanted it for myself. I find myself loving bit and pieces of wisdom that I read here or there. For that reason alone, I love the book of Proverbs.

Anyhow, today I was reading in 1 Corinthians 2. I'm still toying with it in my head- playing it over and over. But it is just another tidbit on wisdom. I'd like to share it.

1 Corinthians 2 (NLT)

Paul’s Message of Wisdom 1
When I first came to you, dear brothers and sisters, I didn’t
use lofty words and impressive wisdom to tell you God’s secret plan. For I
decided that while I was with you I would forget everything except Jesus Christ,
the one who was crucified. I came to you in weakness—timid and trembling. And my
message and my preaching were very plain. Rather than using clever and
persuasive speeches, I relied only on the power of the Holy Spirit. I did this
so you would trust not in human wisdom but in the power of
God.
Yet when I am among mature believers, I do speak with
words of wisdom, but not the kind of wisdom that belongs to this world or to the
rulers of this world, who are soon forgotten. No, the wisdom we speak of is the
mystery of God—his plan that was previously hidden, even though he made it for
our ultimate glory before the world began. But the rulers of this world have not
understood it; if they had, they would not have crucified our glorious Lord.
That is what the Scriptures mean when they say,
“No eye
has seen, no ear has heard, and no mind has imagined what God has
prepared for those who love him.”
But it was to us that God
revealed these things by his Spirit. For his Spirit searches out everything and
shows us God’s deep secrets. No one can know a person’s thoughts except that
person’s own spirit, and no one can know God’s thoughts except God’s own Spirit.
12 And we have received God’s Spirit (not the world’s spirit), so we can know
the wonderful things God has freely given us.
When we tell you
these things, we do not use words that come from human wisdom. Instead, we speak
words given to us by the Spirit, using the Spirit’s words to explain spiritual
truths. But people who aren’t spiritual can’t receive these truths from God’s
Spirit. It all sounds foolish to them and they can’t understand it, for only
those who are spiritual can understand what the Spirit means. Those who are
spiritual can evaluate all things, but they themselves cannot be evaluated by
others. For,
“Who can know the Lord’s
thoughts? Who knows enough to teach
him?”
But we understand these things, for we have the mind
of Christ.

Just a little to think about.
Peace out!

monster

2009-10-23T22:06:00.000-07:00

Have you read that book The Monster at the End of this Book? It was a favorite of mine as a child. We have a copy now for the boys. I still find it slightly amusing that Grover spends the entire book trying to avoid a monster without considering that he himself is one.

I too am a monster. Or at least I have one living in my heart. My act of avoidance is really just ignoring it or pretending that it isn't there. But as am I struggling with daily life- and wondering where I have put God, I started to see the monster.

The monster is ugly. Very ugly. It yells at my kids. A lot. It is so very impatient with everybody. It expects perfection from everyone. It is never thankful for the blessings God has given us (b/c, it doesn't think they are good enough). The monster is never satisfied and lets everyone around know it- everyone, that is, except for its host- me.

I've been struggling so much. I've been depressed, which is only fueling the monster's fire. I'm not satisfied with my relationship with God so I have turned away from God. Like I said- it is ugly. I (with the help of a friend) decided that things needed to be prayed about. That doesn't mean I actually prayed. I just thought about it. The monster is pretty strong you know.

But let me explain how this monster was revealed. God did it. I know He did. And He didn't just blurt it out. He let me in on the "discovery". I just started a new Bible study. We are going to study Shepherding a Child's Heart. It is about biblical approaches to child rearing and just making our hearts right with God. Someone (or maybe it was in the first chapter) mentioned that the words that come out of our mouths are mirrors to what is in our heart.

At another point in our discussion my friend Beth shared how her son Ian drew a picture of a scripture he had read and how it related to him. He was only seven when he did this. In my head I was drawing a picture. The picture was of me and how I was relating to scripture. I should actually get a piece of paper out and draw it so that I have a reminder.

Later yesterday I opened one of my bathroom books The Love Dare. I was just browsing. I hadn't decided to actually start the dare. But right there, on day one it says, "Although love is communicated in a number of ways, our words often reflect the condition of our heart." So I thought, hmmm. Something's up. God is trying to show me something. I decided to read day one in its entirety. And it starts with a verse. Yes- a verse from the Bible- another something I haven't been in touch with for a while.

Ephesians 4:2 (which is now written on my bathroom mirror) says, "Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love." I wrote it there so that I could memorize it and try to practice it for at least a day.

Wow. So I haven't been praying. I haven't been reading God's Word- His LOVE letter to me. And I definitely haven't been humble, gentle, or patient.

Today I had a wonderful opportunity. I was awake before anybody else. That meant a long hot shower. Leg shaving. And Bible time during breakfast. It was sooooooooooooooo wonderful. I decided that Ephesians was a good place to start because it had been my inspiration the day before. I started with chapter 1.

At lunch today I tried to squeeze some more in. I read chapter 2. And my picture from God was becoming more complete. Chapter 2:1-10 were so amazing. But here is the best part. I was still thinking about that picture. The picture of how I was relating to God and scripture. I can see tons of scribbles. Dark colors. But just scribbles of anger and frustration. It was definitely a monster. And suddenly I could smell the monster. Ugh! He smelled of rot and sewage and garbage. And I realized that picture is represented in those verses. That is a picture of me DEAD. Dead and living in sin, obeying the devil. I've basically been a zombie. ( I was going to insert a picture, but I found them all too disturbing).

I prayed and prayed and prayed. I'm still praying. I don't want to be a zombie. I nasty, disgusting piece of DEAD filth. I want to be alive! And I can only be that way through Christ and His gift of grace. The monster is being chiseled away. And I am going to be that masterpiece that God has made.

I watched this video from the skit guys today. "God's Chisel"

I have hope. And I again, have a friend in Jesus. I am going to bed happy tonight with a renewed sense of peace.

Blessings to You. I hope you can see your monster and ask God to chisel it away too.

Peace out!

to do list

2009-09-30T12:49:00.000-07:00

Here reads my to-do list.
flowers
laundry
chairs
baby monitor (but I can scratch that one off)
prep LR walls
parks & rec
touch up Kitchen walls
marriage cds
sweep/mop kitchen
door prizes
bathroom
write slim
Julie's birthday
Disney Movie Club
shred
library books
desk
closets
recycling

Funny thing is- I'm not really crossing anything off the list. I'm sitting on my computer, already missing spring and summer. It seems I keep adding to the list, but I'm not marking anything off. And this list is in addition to just making the house "look" presentable.

I think I need to get a hold of time management. I just got the twins down for a nap. This should be an opportune time to be crossing items off- after all I thrive with a to-do list. I feel accomplished. But instead, I am wallowing on the Internet. Email. Facebook. Blogger. That pretty much sums it up. Well, I'd better get going. Jackson will be home from preschool in about a half hour.

Peace out!

stagnant

2009-09-17T11:02:00.000-07:00

I'm in a funk. I think I've been here for at least a week. Maybe longer. It could be the crazy headaches I've been living with for a week or two. It could be the lack of sleep. I don't know.
But what I do know is this- my life feels stagnant right now.

What is the first thing you think of when you hear the word stagnant? I personally think of water. It could be a little, it could be a lot. If it has been there a while it could have a nasty little film on the top (AKA funk). It is a breeding ground for mosquitoes (AKA my grouchy, sometimes painful comments). But the water is there. It is just waiting. And that is what I feel like I am doing. And I don't like it.

I think I'm a running water kind of gal. I like to always be moving. Always be doing. Always be changing. Therefore, stagnant is not for me. It is making me grumpy and not fun to be around.

So what is it that I am waiting on? Not entirely sure. But I have a couple ideas. I'm waiting for Kevin to quit the self-employment. It really sips. Just the uncertainty makes me sick to my stomach. Well, maybe not just the uncertainty. You see- I have complete confidence that God is taking care of us. I think what makes me nauseous is the fact that K and his family think they actually have a successful business. They there are doing WELL. Ugh.
And I know I am waiting to hear from one of these law enforcement agencies to which Kevin has applied. He has taken 3 tests (for 8 agencies), passed all written, passed all physical. But he isn't not high enough on the applicant list to get to the next phase- the background check. And I am just so ready. I am tired of sitting still. I am ready to be going again.

And not only do I know like just sitting around, I like to force things into action. I was so antsy for change- any kind of change- I decided to start painting the interior of my house. Maple creme (yellow) here we come. Dining room complete. I'm just lacking the energy to ready any other walls. But this is what I do. I always try to force the situation. I'm also looking around for jobs- not because I want to work. But because I am so anxious to start plugging away at the pile of debt- taking control of my finances.

Just pray for me. I'm grumpy and no fun to be around. I'm tired. And I am trying to take things into my own hands instead of leaving them with God. There is no peace in that.

Peace out!

creativity

2009-08-10T10:58:00.000-07:00

I've always admired creativity. Sometimes, just the idea of something really strikes accord with me. I even remember a sermon on creativity from who knows when. I just remember the pastor/speaker talking about how we are created in God's image- with the desire to create. Love it.

Anyhow, I've been reading in Reimaginingg Spiritual Formation by Doug Pagitt. This time I'm reading the chapter on "Spiritual Formation Through Creativity". At first I wasn't sure how this chapter was going to play out. Yes, I had my doubts. But I have a rather long excerpt from the chapter that I'd like to share with you.

In recent decades, the story of God has been understood in terms of
creation, fall, redemption, and exit from this world. This view implies that
God's relationship with the world sort of cooled off after the fall and didn't
really jump back in until Jesus came along. Apart from the problems created by
basically discounting everything between Genesis 3 and the New Testament, this
idea marginalizes our human activity in the world. It puts humanity in a passive
role in which things simply happen to us--we are created, we are afflicted by
sin, we are redeemed, we are brought to another place--and all that's left to
humans is to find creative ways to sin.
A different way to understand the story goes more like this: God, the
creator of all things, has been re-creating all things through the redeeming
work of Jesus the Messiah. In this view we are not left with a memory of a God
who made this world and now simply waits for it to expire. God is constantly
creating anew. And God also invites us to be re-created and to join the work of
God as co-(re)creators. We are not bystanders, nor are we to be inactive.
The gospel is packed with the implication that we have something to give
because of our redemption. We are told to go, to make, to build, to speak to
touch, to feed, to create. Those who lived in the time following the death and
resurrection of Jesus went out and created something. They formed faith
communities that changed the way they lived and ate and used their money. Though
they believed that Jesus was coming back for them soon, they lived in such a way
as to make their world more like God's kingdom. Our calling is no different. We
aid the Spirit in the work of the Kingdom by making all things better in our own
time and place.

This understanding of the story entails that creativity is a central
activity in the Kingdom of God. Imagine the Kingdom of God as the creative
process of God reengaging in all that we know and experience. Imagine what it
means to wonder if Jesus used so many metaphors for the Kingdom of God not
because he couldn't find the right words, but because the Kingdom is like so
many things, and so many things are like the Kingdom. When we employ creativity
to make this world better, we participate with God in the re-creating of the
world. And the habits and practices we acquire in the process of being
co-(re)creators from us in the way of the life of God.

Our invitation to be involved in the work of God allows-maybe even
commands-that we speak life, hope, beauty, and truth into all things. The gospel
invites us into a future life-not only a future life after this one but also a
future life during this one-in which we are to bless the world and make it
better by creating in it. In the story of creation, Adam and Eve are called to
make new people and to have dominion over all that is, to make ti good and
right. Similarly, our call to (re)creation is to make things the way they ought
to be.
Imagine praying the Lord's Prayer this way:

Our Loving, Great Creator,
Make the world different, the way you want it.
Make this your place.
Give to us in ways that we have not received before.
Forgive us--make us new.
Lead us into new good things and not into destruction.

This is a prayer of the Kingdom. It is a prayer of creativity.

So what are your thoughts on creativity and how this all plays out?

Peace out!

hospitality

2009-08-04T09:53:00.000-07:00

Just read this the other day from Reimagining Spiritual Formation by Doug Pagitt.
A little background on the chapter- this chapter is about spiritual formation through hospitality. It is about what hospitality looks like- being welcoming, sincere, and inviting everyone to join in. This last section really struck me as something to remember. So I'm sharing it with you.

THE RISK OF HOSPITALITY
Naturally, openhandedness
entails risk. When one is hospitable, one is exposed, vulnerable, and open for
misuse. During the last three years, our attempts at openness and invitation have
not always met with gracious acceptance and excitement. At times people of our
community, including my family, have opened our lives to others only to be hurt.
At times others have extended hospitality to us, and we responded in ways that
were hurtful to them. This kind of pain creates an impulse to pull away and
protect pride and emotions. Yet it is precisely this risk that makes hospitality
a meaningful element of spiritual formation in the Christian life. In these times
we find the call to live the invitational life of our crucified Savior both
heart-wrenching and life-encouraging.
A sort of "patent leather" spiritual formation--a glossy,
slick substitute for the real thing--involves little vulnerability or
self-disclosure. It is easy to sit in a Sunday-school class and listen to
someone talk about spirituality and belief without opening up to its
implications. There is a certain ironic comfort to a life that looks the part on
the outside while wilting away on the inside. But when a friend tells you about
a deep struggle, and the natural response is to enter in to that person's life,
whatever the risk--then we find ourselves being transformed into the people of
grace and mercy opened for us in the Kingdom of God. At its core, hospitality is
an act of faith. It is faith in God and faith in people. It is an open posture
that views others not as threats, but as participants in the process of one
another's redemption.

Peace out!

camp

2009-08-03T14:30:00.000-07:00

I just got back from a week of grade school camp at Camp ORTOHA in North Central Washington.
It was fabulous.
Yes, it was a lot of work with the boys. But my mother in law made the trip and helped me out.
The boys all loved it. Jackson made friends with ALL the campers. And frequently asked to go "sit with my friends". He would also ask to hold their hands.
Reese and Sawyer discovered they had a love of basketball. And have tried repeatedly to shoot the ball in the hoop. Yes- all the way up there. While they didn't succeed at that, they can bounce it pretty well.
And I loved camp. There is just something about camp that is so magical. Maybe it is the dirt. Maybe it is the absence of our everyday lives. But it is transforming. Jesus and I had a lot of good heart to hearts.
And I made a discovery. Or a rediscovery. At any rate- I love camp and outdoor ministries. I've decided that to date- this is the only thing (out of a million and two) that I can seriously see myself doing and loving day in and day out. Even when I'm thinking of my "BAD" camp experiences I still think upon them positively. I just wish I had more experience.
So, in light of my discovery- I'm looking into what it would take to do camp ministry full time. I'm looking for resources, education, and places that will let me come in and help (with the kids). I think this is my calling. So be praying that when the time comes to DO this, we are in a place that suits the whole family.

Peace out!

discovery

2009-07-19T21:56:00.000-07:00

Over the past few months (maybe even years), I have been trying to decide what to do with my life. I love being a stay at home mom. But Kevin always hints that I should be doing more. I'm not exactly sure what that means. I've tried a couple jobs here and there to supplement the income. I LOVE my mom's group. And I try to get together with friends often (even though 3 children don't always make that easy).

I've thought about going back to school for various things. Interior Designer. Nurse. Teacher. Beautician. Carpentry. Just to name a few that have been semi-serious in the thought process. But nothing has satisfied my quest. I can't picture myself in that job/career for any length of time. So I'm still searching.

I've been trying to evaluate the gifts that God has given me- hoping that I'll find something that works with that. I've always thought that I have a gift for teaching. I think that my lessons are memorable and fun. I can relate to most ages- though high school still evades me often. However, I don't want to be a full-time teacher. It just isn't me.

This week I've been trying to "buckle down" and get my lessons for camp ready. It has been way too long since I've done any of this and I've really struggled. But I discovered something about myself. Well- maybe I've been discovering it in various parts of my life.

The word that sums it up is ACTION. I am all about action. And that is how I like to teach. My goal in every lesson is to incorporate all 5 senses. I tend to be so action oriented that I run over any allotted time. And it has to be hands on. No lectures from me (unless we go into birthing or nursing or baby wearing ;P). But I think this is important to know about myself. I think it speaks not only about what people can expect from me, but what I also tend to expect from them and from any education.

So the quest is still on. But I may have another piece of the puzzle figured out.

Peace out!

hands

2009-07-17T16:31:00.000-07:00

I really haven't forgotten about this blog. I promise.

My hands are just too busy right now. Reese and Sawyer just turned one. I think the twins are going through a growth spurt/teething/driving me insane phase. I can't do anything. They "need" me at all moments. Jackson will be 3 next week. But he has been acting 3 for about a month now. I'm not sure I like it. He whines. He bosses people around. ETC.

Kevin is never home. He is coaching American Legion Baseball once again. And once again I find myself not happy about it. But it will all be over next week.

I actually led a children's message at church last week. It wasn't my best. But I haven't been able to jump start the brain like in the past. After all, it has been a few years. And next weekend I leave (with the boys) to go to camp for a week. I'll be a speaker for grade school week again. I'm excited. But I am soooo not ready. I think it has to do with the brain not working and then not having the time or energy to do anything.

God reminded me this morning that this isn't about me. I'm glad He has decided to give me some direction. I was trying to do it all myself. So I'm praying about that. And about an attitude adjustment. Seems I'm beyond grumpy lately. It might also have to do with me not on the same page as God.

Well, peace to you. I'll probably try to write when I get back from camp.

Peace out!

the goal

2009-06-26T16:01:00.000-07:00

My friend Carol just posted this quote on her blog. And I'm posting it on here. I really, really like it.

The goal is God Himself
Not joy, nor peace;
Not even blessing.
But Himself, my God.
'Tis His to lead me there,
Not mine, but His--
At any cost, dear Lord,
By any road.

--Sinclair Ferguson, A Heart for God.

Peace out!

challenged

2009-05-24T10:00:00.001-07:00

I love a good challenge. Well. Most of the time.
A week or two ago I was at my friend Ericka's house. Her wonderful husband Matt was restringing a guitar for me (challenge 1- to learn to play the guitar).

At Ericka's church there was a guest speaker- Chuck Goetschel. He had everyone in attendance do this. He handed them a paper that had a list of values on it. Each person had to rate the values on it, then choose a top three. From that point, it was all about defining that value and what success of that value looks like. From there, we wrote our personal mission statements.
Ericka picked me up a copy of the exercise. And we made a copy for Kevin too.

Challenge 2- My core values and my personal mission statement.
And here are the results.
The three things I value most are faith, family, and integrity.
1) Faith: means...holding steadfast and living it out- actions. JC, Love, Hope
2) Family: means...those around me. Loving one another, supporting one another, being honest, open communication, legacy of faith and integrity, trust, teaching.
3) Integrity: means...not only using the brain God gave me but relying on Him. Honesty. Knowledge. Trust. Wisdom
----
My personal Mission Statement
My life is not my own. I belong to the Lord Jesus Christ. And I, Layne Baird, will live a life of action- loving those around me, leaving a legacy of faith and integrity, so that all my know the Lord Jesus Christ.

Challenge 3- A Church that about living life together
This one is hard. It is a big one-bigger than just me. I'm really struggling with going back to Christ Community. I asked myself the other day-why? Why am I at this particular church? The answer- history. I have a history here. Aside from one family, that is all I have. I go because a few people know my name and are willing to help hold a baby. And I don't think they'll run off with one of my kids. Isn't that sad. Those are the only reasons I'm where I am. So, now I want to ask that question to everyone I know. And even those I don't know. Why are you at this particular church?
And I'm challenged even more because of wants and need. I want a place for the boys to grow up knowing Jesus. Not just with their heads, but through action- through life. Good music is important to me. I need relationships. I need to KNOW people. I need life together.

Here are a couple of excerpts from Reimagining Spiritual Formation by Doug Pagitt. These have helped fuel the challenges. I only hope they make sense apart from the book.

"At that moment I knew that if Solomon's Porch-just an idea at the time-ever happened, I didn't want it to become a provider of religious goods and services, no matter how hip they were. I believed the church could be more, that is was reasonable to hope for a deeper response than, 'That wasn't so bad.' From the beginning of Solomon's Porch we have referred to our time together on Sundays as gatherings and not services. It's a little thing, but it reminds us that we are here to live life together, not simply have our individual needs serviced." (page 40)

"We have never been satisfied with people looking over our community to decide whether we have the 'right' emphasis, core values, or programs to fit them. Rather, we ask people to bring to our community their contributions and by their involvement to help us be more life-giving."

So here I am. Challenged. I think it is a good thing. And knowing me, I'll probably turn around and try to challenge you. So be ready for the challenge.

Peace out!

origin

2009-05-06T17:25:00.000-07:00

For my birthday this year my dad gave me a copy of Rick Warren's The Purpose Driven Life. I've done the book before. I grew a lot. Now, at least 3 years later, I going to look at it again. It seems like a good tool in discovering my character and my purpose.

So far (only 1 day into it and wondering when I'm going to have time to do this) I have already underlined.

"Unless you assume a God, the question of life's purpose is meaningless."
-Bertrand Russell, atheist

"The search for the purpose of life has puzzled people for thousands of years. That's because we typically begin at the wrong starting point--ourselves. We ask self-centered questions like What do I want to be? What should I do with my life? What are my goals, my ambitions, my dreams for my future? But focusing on ourselves will never reveal our life's purpose The Bible says, 'It is God who directs the lives of his creatures; every one's life is in his power'."

"You must begin with God, your Creator. You exist only because God wills that you exist. You were made by God and for God--and until you understand that, life will never make sense. It is only in God that we discover our origin, our identity, our meaning, our purpose, our significance, and our destiny."

Colossians 1:16-17
"For everything, absolutely everything above and below, visible and invisible,... Everything was created through him and for him. He existed before anything else, and he holds all creation together."

So let the journey begin- or continue. I'm looking to Him because He is my origin. And only He knows exactly why He created me.

Peace out!

blessings

2009-05-05T14:33:00.000-07:00

I'm blessed. I really am. I could probably-if I put my mind to it- start naming all the ways that I am blessed.
Even though I have been blessed through and through, I still manage to sit down and whine about how I have not been blessed. Or rather how I think my blessing should look, rather than the picture that God is painting with all my blessings.
The last few days have just been tremendous and full of blessings.

I've been blessed with a wonderful husband. He actually made me a cake yesterday. His first cake ever. And he did a fabulous job. He is wonderful in many, many other ways too. But I was impressed with his baking abilities yesterday.
I've been blessed with three boys. My eldest has a way of just making me laugh. I can be so unhappy with him and he turns around and says something. I have no choice but to honor the creativity and the learning capacity God has given him. My twins are amazing too. They never cease to amaze me. I love seeing how the world works through their eyes.
I've been blessed with my dog Shortstop. Yes, I've tried to get rid of him. And yes, I don't always speak highly of him. But he is loyal to me. And he keeps me company. I love how he always wants to snuggle or keep my feet warm at night.
I have incredible friends. Absolutely incredible. Their love and joy is just overflowing. And even in the midst of their own personal crisis they never fail to extend blessings to others. Their hearts are amazing.

I could go on and on and on. Especially after this weekend. But I think I've decided that my goal is just to "bless on". I want to pass on the blessings that people have passed on to me. Or return the goodness. There is just so much joy and satisfaction in seeing God's blessings in action and knowing that He wants me a part of that action.

Jeremiah 17:7-8 (NLT)

“But blessed are those who trust in the Lord
and have made the Lord their hope and confidence.
They are like trees planted along a riverbank,
with roots that reach deep into the water.
Such trees are not bothered by the heat
or worried by long months of drought.
Their leaves stay green,
and they never stop producing fruit."

I read this verse today. And oh how I love the image- the color of staying green. And I love how they are ever fruitful. With the help of God, I want to be this tree planted along a riverbank.
Such trust in the Lord. Such peace.

Peace out!

vacation

2009-05-01T15:26:00.000-07:00

I'm supposed to be on vacation. At least that is what I've been telling people. No place fun like Hawaii or the mountains. No, I'm supposed to be home. I'm supposed to be finding a routine, a schedule and the calm of just being home.

And I have not been. Monday was an okay day at home (at least I think). Tuesday I was gone all day trying to find another stove for my kitchen. I can't really remember Wednesday. Yesterday wasn't bad- but I wasn't at home at all. I was at my friend's house. Kevin and I also went out to dinner with some great friends. And today, I'm enjoying the sun outside, but not doing anything according to routine.

To top it off, it seems like I have been working harder this week. No- my house is still trashed. But, God has been putting me in places where I find myself on my knees.

I have a neighbor, who was sexually abused since she was an infant. Now 47 or so. Has attempted suicide twice in the last week.
I have a friend who just had an open heart surgery. She's doing great from what I understand.
I have another friend who may or may not be in labor right now.
I have a great friend who called me today (because I'm too lazy to call her) and told me she may have Grave's Disease and her doctor wants to give her radiation.
I'm following a blog of a little boy who fell out of a three story window and is going through some major stuff.
A family member is in a bad marriage and needs strength to either get out of the marriage or help making it right.

I'm on my knees for good stuff too.
I have a friend who blessed me with some clothes. I have another friend who might be locating me a stove- for free. The sun it out today and my lilacs are blooming.

My heart is just overwhelmed with emotion right now. And that isn't really a vacation. But I think I'll be okay. God and I are talking a lot these days and that is giving me the peace I was looking for on my vacation.

Peace out!

wants

2009-04-29T10:39:00.001-07:00

Warning- petty blog post. Do not read if you don't want to hear how petty I am being right now.

I think the year is 1992.

The "doctor" is Dr. Dan- my dad.
The patient is Mary- myself.

This is a picture from the church Christmas play.
St. Paul Lutheran in Canyon, Texas.

I have the lead. Not as the Mary you think. But rather, a self-obsessed person who has a case of the "wants". I can't remember the actual diagnosis. It could have been the "gimmies" or the "wants" or the "gotta haves" - either way, the heart of my character was discontent and thinking that Christmas was all about getting the gifts.

Fast forward. The year is 2009. It is not Christmas time, but spring time. I again have the case of the wants. The funds are tight--too tight. And my heart is discontent with the things that I have. As Dave Ramsey puts it, I have "stuff-itis". I just want stuff. And it isn't really crazy stuff.

I've got two problems. 1) I want money so that I can have things. and 2) I want my husband on the same page with me.

I want money so that my mortgage can be up to date. The letter from the bank has me a little over edge. I want a stove that works. And forgive me for wanting one that looks nice. I want a new kitchen table. Or the boys room to be fixed up. I want a new hot water heater- the tank less kind. I want back porch and maybe a table and chairs to enjoy it. I want some clothes that fit and possibly even look good on me. I want some new shoes. I want to buy things for my boys. For my husband.

Good news is that I'm not buying anything. I'm not out of control...yet. But yesterday we went stove shopping. We've looked on craigslist, but didn't really find anything. We went to the Habitat for Humanity ReStore and the Rebuilding Center in Portland. Both are great options for used items. The ReStore had a stove for $80 that I think we are going to get. And boy, is it ugly. Old and ugly. But, I'll be able to cook once again at home. But we also went to Ikea to look for a stove. Boy- do I love that store.

And yesterday, I hated that store. I was almost in tears on my way out the door. So many things that I wanted and couldn't have. Even something that was $5 was too much for us. I'm almost physically sick when I think about our finances right now. And to think that the majority of our nation is in this state.

I know how petty I am being. I disgust myself. It is coming down to that "the grass is always greener on the other side" mantra. We always want what we don't have. So right now, I pretty much want anything and everything. And I think my "wants" are just putting more stress on my hubby.

I guess it is important to say that it is not just about having things. I think it is more about freedom. And it is about communication within a marriage. I keep hearing things like, "when I get that job..." or "my baseball contract...". I honestly feel useless- being a stay at home mom. I'm not contributing to the income. I am trying to cut our costs, but that is hard to do when you and your spouse come from different upbringings and value/prioritize things differently. I'm not saying either of us is wrong, but we see money differently.

I'm reading Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace. The edition I have is from 1996. A little dated as to our nation's financial crisis. But even with the outdated numbers, the point is still drastic. I'm excited about the book and the peace of mind that it almost promises. But it still takes two. On the same plan.

I'm trying to stand on my Rock- my Savior right now. And not just have a foot on him, but have both feet planted in Him. I'm struggling so much. I know that God is going to take care of me. It might not look like that huge house I'm picturing with all the up to date goodies. And I have to trust that what God gives us is what He wants us to have in that moment.

Please pray. Not that I get what I want. But that my husband can also see God's plan and put his trust in God. We aren't exactly on the same page and we need to be. Thanks for "listening" to me whine today.

Peace out!

community

2009-04-22T14:12:00.000-07:00

So, I've just started reading this book. It was recommended to me at least 4 years ago. I bought it at least 3 years ago. And I just opened it up last week. It is my current bathroom book. Good news is- I love it so far. Bad news, it takes for me forever to read a bathroom book.

The book: Reimagining Spiritual Formation by Doug Pagitt and the Solomon's Porch Community.

I'll try not to retype the whole book. But I really believe what this book is trying to say. Here is one of my favorite parts. It is the beginning of a section called "Spiritual Formation Through Community".

(pgs 26-27)

"There is a call embedded in Christianity that moves us to life
together. This idea of holistic spiritual formation is nothing new. In fact, it
has a long and prominent history within the Christian church. Throughout
history, becoming a follower of Jesus has often meant being brought into a
community of people who ate together, shared their possessions and their lives.
We will introduce you to our efforts at being a community of people who not only
meet on Sundays, but who become deeply connected to one another. I truly believe
that community is where real spiritual formation happens. Most people come to
faith not by an isolated effort but through living day by day with people of
faith such as their families or friends. People may not fully understand the
beliefs involved, but they learn what the Christian life looks like as they see
people to whom they are deeply connected living out of the disciplines of
prayer, worship, and service. Nearly every Christian I know grew into the faith
long before they knew a whole lot about it. Even for those who first heard the
things of Christianity through an isolated presentation of some sort, this was
only the start of a life, not the summation of the life. They were just
beginning to understand what this was all about. Isn't this in fact what so many
of us still experience-a living of our faith before and beyond our understanding
of it?

"In many ways, becoming a Christian is much like learning our native
language; we pick it up when we are immersed in it. I would guess that nearly
all of us spoke and communicated long before we started our formal education.
What we then learned in school was not the beginning of language use, but the
refining of it. In educational settings, the theory of language acquisition
through immersion is by far the most successful means of learning. So it is with
Christian faith. Rather than seeing Christianity as belief we acquire in a
completed form, we ought to enter into it with the understanding that we are at
the beginning of a life-long process of discovery and change. Ours is
faith that is lived, from beginning to end.

"Community as a means of spiritual formation serves to immerse people in
the Christian way of living so that they learn how to be Christian in a
life-long process of discovery and change. Christian community can and should be
context for evangelism and discipleship, a place where faith is professed and
lived.

"The word community has become the buzzword of the day. Part of
the problem with buzzwords is that their overuse can leave them with virtually
no meaning at all. In our current vocabulary, community can mean
everything and nothing at the same time. It can mean people who live on the same
street, or people of a similar ethnic background, or people who think the same
way about issues. As we of Solomon's Porch understand the term, Christian
community has four functional elements: Local, Global, Historical, and
Futurical."

I'll stop there. But I am just so excited. My heart yearns for a Christian community. One that lives and breathes together. In my mind I have the image of a cell. It is singular. If you get a group of cells together- that function together- it is a tissue. And tissues working together become the organ. And organs become the body. That is what we are. We are the cell. We are the tissue, the organ, the body. We work together. And our actions impact our surroundings. In a vision of hope- our body is impacting as a community Christ would want.

Can you taste it? Breath it? See it? It beckons us- and those around us- to join in and become a part of it. It isn't just a Sunday mask. It is life. Life together. Period. It may sound scary- but to me it sounds heavenly. That is what I am missing. Life together.

Peace out!

church

2009-04-19T21:22:00.001-07:00

I've been going back to church. (yay!) But I am still so hesitant and cautious. It is even scarier when people know who I am and I don't know who they are. And I think it is scariest yet that I used to be an idealistic person and now I'm not. That makes going back scary. All I see is the past- not the present. I speculate what the future looks like for me and for the church.

But, the big deal is that I am going. And I am going while my husband does not. And I am going with my boys and me.

Today O-dog, a.k.a. Pastor Orlie, said something that really got me thinking. He reminded me that we are the church. The people are the church. Remember that song? "I am the church, You are the church, We are the church together. All of God's people, All around the world. Yes! We're the church together."

And why is this a big deal to my current mental/spiritual/emotional state? Because I like to blame. I like to ask why the church is failing. I wonder why the church isn't growing. What is it doing wrong? Is it even doing anything right? These are questions that I ponder over, frequently. And, though it is just the start of the answer, I realized that I need to look at me. I am part of the answer to all of those questions. Insert my name instead of "the church" or "it" into the preceding questions. And no, I'm not saying that it all lies on my shoulders. I'm just saying my shoulders are a good place to start.

At least now I have a place to start a healthy evaluation. With me. And it is good thing that I have God's grace when I have to answer questions like this.

Peace out!

flower in the rain

2009-04-17T10:08:00.000-07:00

I always think that God speaks to me through music. It seems I always have a song in my head or one on my heart. This morning was no different. It even took me a while to remember what the song was. I just kept singing the chorus over and over. While I think the chorus is where my message was, I thought the verses were too good to not share too.

"Flower in the Rain" by Jaci Velasquez

You are the One, there's no one else
Who lifts me up
and gives me water from the well
But there's a hole
that seems to drain it all away
And once again I'm left in fear
and doubt
When all my strength is crying out

Chorus:
So here I am again
Willing to be opened up and broken
Like a flower in the rain
Tell me what have I to do
To die and then be raised
To reach beyond the pain
Like a flower in the rain

The evil wind it blows a storm
to rock my world
Just when I think I'm safe and warm
I'm lead astray far to easily
It's always hard for me to say I'm wrong
Until I know I can't go on

Repeat Chorus

Lord, You have searched me
And know when I sleep and when I rise
You're familiar with all my ways
Even the darkness will shine
like the day
When you look into my heart

Repeat Chorus

Peace out!

character part III

2009-04-15T14:57:00.001-07:00

I may need to clarify a little bit. I'm not just looking at who I am because I want to do ministry. I'm not even sure I want to go back into public ministry. But I have decided that we as people are always changing. I haven't taken a good look at myself in a while. That is the purpose here- just to see me.

Here is one of the things that I have really noticed about myself in the last week.
I am a planner. I love to have a plan. I do not succeed without one. This includes a to-do list, a morning routine, a calendar on my fridge, and so on. I like to think that I like spontaneity. Maybe I like the idea of action because of an impulse, a passion. But in reality, I cannot fly by the seat of my pants.

At mom's group yesterday, one of mom's suggested we get together and bring music and just have a chance to dance freely and to let loose. At this suggestion I think I got more tense than relaxed at the thought. I need a plan- a set of exact moves. Line dancing is more like it.
I'm not a scrapbooker either. I need a plan. You show me how to do it and I will. Yes, I might deviate just a tad, but really, I followed the plan.

I can go on and on with examples. But this is me. A planner. And the plan can change.
I think this is why Proverbs16 has always been a favorite of mine. It is about plans.

My favorite verse
Proverbs 16:9
In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps.

Peace out!

missing or character part II

2009-04-11T10:39:00.000-07:00

Yesterday after my post about character and defining who I am, a friend called. She said, "Layne, let's talk about your post." Of course, I didn't really know what to say. But I just kind of reiterated what I had posted in my blog.
Her next question was along the lines of ."Well, what is it that you are missing? What about ministry are you missing the most?" Good question(s) friend.

I'm not really sure. I'm not sure if I am in fact missing ministry at all. I just know that when the possibility came up, I didn't say "no". My only experience in public ministry as a DCE has been my year long internship in North Washington. And it wasn't all butterflies and sunshine. I faced some hard times. It knocked the wind out of me. But as I was trying to answer this question, my fondest memories are college related, servant related, and definitely worship around the campfire related. And when I looked at that closer- I saw that I was looking at relationships once again. But not just any relationships- the ones where you come together, maybe even as perfect strangers, and you build upon the one thing you all have- God. The love of the Lord Jesus Christ. The forgiveness, the resurrection, the passion.

I think that is what I am missing. The passion. I don't see that passion too often anymore- in my life or the lives around me. Sure we have "God moments" where He just takes our breath away. But how often am I just living that passion, the passion Christ had, the passion that I have for Him.

And I miss that moment of chaos. The moment where you know you have to rise up (like when meeting someone new, or being in a new place) and be bigger than yourself. I miss that so much and I think that is honestly why I love to embrace change.

I'm not sure what else I'm missing. I'm going to process it a little bit longer. And I think it I need to map it out- where I know I can find what I am missing.

Peace out!

character part I

2009-04-10T10:34:00.001-07:00

If you are a regular follower of my blog, you have probably seen a transition taking place in my heart over the last six months or so. God is up to something. I'm not exactly sure what it is. But I am continuing with that theme again today.

As I mentioned in one of my latest posts, I think one of my greatest fears today is not knowing where I fit in. I don't see myself as an adult necessarily. I'm not a youth. And there aren't many young families like my own in my church family. I am wondering how this question alone will affect any ministry that I, in fact, do try to pursue. This question is in my head. And then I read this quote from First Things First Every Day by Covey, Merrill, Merrill.

"Character is what we are; competence is what we can do. The reality is that
character and competence drive everything else in the organization."

Now I am really thinking.... It is the age old question. The reason kids go all the way across the country for college. The reason the middle age are driving sports cars and dating younger people. The question is who am I? I know that some of that has changed over the years. But I not exactly sure what. This may end up being a multi-part blog. There is a lot of self discovery going on here. And although it is called "self-discovery", I'm open for any help. Please feel free to comment. It might definitely help me out.

Once I knew I wanted to look at this question, I looked for (and actually found on my first attempt) my Professional Development Plan. It is an ongoing binder of my professional development. And I haven't even opened it up in 3 years. The first piece that I submitted in it is a collection of my core values, my mission, my roles, and my goals (from December 2003). I'm going to include them on the blog. I think it will be my goal to adjust these as I believe my character has changed.

Core Values:
Faith: Absolute trust in God and that He will be committed to me and I to Him. I will also be committed through trust and faith to my family and friends.
James 4:8a "Come near to God, and he will come near to you."
Matthew 6:33 "But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well."
Proverbs 16:3 "Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and your plans will succeed."
Romans 12:10 "Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves."

Integrity: Living a complete and unimpaired life dedicated to God.
Micah 6:8 "He has shown you, O man, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God."
Galatians 2:19-20 "For through the law I died to the law so that I might live for God. I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me."

Service: Within my boundaries, offering myself to wholeheartedly help another.
Romans 15:17 "Therefore I glory in Christ Jesus in my service to God."
1 Corinthians 12:4-6 " There are different kinds of gifts, but the same Spirit. There are kinds of service, but the same Lord. There are different kinds of working, but the same God works in all of them."
Ephesians 4:11-13 "It is he who gave some to be apostles, some to be prophets, some to be evangelists, and some to be pastors and teachers, so that the body of Christ may be built up until we all reach unity in the faith and in the knowledge of the Son of God and become mature, attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ."

Honesty: To be characterized by truth, living an open and genuine life.
Deuteronomy 25:16 "For the Lord your God detests anyone who does these things, anyone who deals dishonestly."
Proverbs 24:26 "An honest answer is like a kiss on the lips."
Luke 16:10 "Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much."

Encouragement To inspire and support those around me with hope, courage, and confidence.
Romans 1:11-12 " I long to see you so that I may impart to you some spiritual gift to make you strong--that is, that you and I may be mutually encouraged by each other's faith."
1 Thessalonians 5:11 "Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing."
2 Timothy 4:2 "Preach the Word, be prepared in season and out of season; correct, rebuke, and encourage--with great patience and careful instruction."

Mission:
To live by faith and creed through integrity, service, encouragement, and honesty.

Roles:
Wife: to love and cherish my husband and support him in all he endeavors
Daughter: to love my parents and continually thank them for all they have done for me
Sister: to support my sisters with love as they grow in Christ
Student: to continue to strive for knowledge and understanding and pursue the interests that I have.
Mother: to raise my children in the presence of Christ with compassion, discipline, and especially love.
Friend: to lend a listening ear, sound support, and earnest prayer to my friends at all times
Leader: to recognize, train, and equip others in the service of Christ through the unique gifts God has give all of us.

Goals:

I want to grow in my relationship and intimacy with Christ.
I want to marry a loving and supportive husband with whom I can share my life, love, and faith
I want to have children with whom I can share my life, love, and faith
I want to graduate from college.
I want to work part time in the church, creating a vision for ministry and equipping leaders to carry it out.
I want to share Christ with those in my life who do not know Him
I want to be intentional in my relationships while striving for intimacy
I want to live an organized life with clear boundaries
I want to serve and encourage the people around me with my gifts.

So here is the jumping off point. Here is where I look to define my character, my mission, and my goals for the future. Please weigh in.

Peace out!

pieces

2009-04-05T17:41:00.000-07:00

I feel like one of those puzzle pieces we try to jam into a space but it just doesn't quite fit. It looks like it should go there, we aren't too sure. We try anyhow. And it may even stay there until replaced by one that fits a little bit better.

We got up late today. Actually- really early and then back to bed again. The second time we got up was around 9 (the time we needed to be loading ourselves in the van for church). So I opted to go to another church that I used to like when I was in college. They had a service that started at 11. I was also excited at the prospect of a Sunday School class for Jackson's age.

The verdict- we just didn't fit in. The church was booming with people. Maybe even so much that no one noticed that we were visitors. And because we were visitors, we found ourselves frustrated at not knowing how things worked there. In the end we decided that our little experience was just God telling us that we don't fit in there...that He has a better place worked out for us. Right now, I think that place is where We've been going on and off since 2004.

At any rate, I have also been thinking a lot about that dream I had about returning to church work. But I think that my biggest fear isn't necessarily not knowing what I am doing, but rather not knowing where I fit. I know that some people at my current congregation see me still as that young person in college. A great babysitter, helper, etc. I don't think they see me now as that adult. I'm not even sure I feel like I always fall into that category.

And if I was going to go back into church work, what would that puzzle look like? It sure doesn't look like it did when I was fresh out of college doing the church's bidding. I'm a package deal with my nursing twins and my 2 year old. That puzzle piece doesn't fit in to just any puzzle.

Obviously God knows of which puzzle I am a part. It just isn't clear to me yet. So as I pray (and hopefully you too), I'm looking for clarity and the right fit- for ministry, my family, and especially for a community.

Peace out!

dreamer

2009-04-04T14:26:00.001-07:00

I've always wondered how significant my dreams are in the grand scheme of things.

I have also wondered (after being told I was talking/singing in my sleep) what my dreams were about because I can't remember them.

Sometimes I will do something or have one of those deja' vu moments- where I know that I have dreamed that moment happening.

Sometimes I will actually remember a dream. Those dreams usually turn out to be pretty crazy.
I have a diary entry from a long time ago. I wrote down my dream. The conclusion of the dream was me being eaten by a Martian. When I woke up, my head was stuck between the bars on my bed. It was one of those crazy ones.

And sometimes the dreams are what prompts me do something else. For instance, I had a dream once of buying these black flip flops. At the time, I hated flops- the way they felt between my toes. But because of the dream, I found a pair and have loved them ever since.
Lately I've been remembering my dreams a little more. I had at least three from last night that I remembered when I woke up. However, only one is sticking with me right now.

In my dream I had just taken a call/job at a church as a Director of Christian Education. The scene is in the evening, outside of a building. I can see a poster board with some announcement(s) on it. I can see a table with a one of those drink coolers and a bunch of cups full of lemonade. And I see mostly young people, but there are a couple of adults in the picture. I instantly knew I was doing church work. Part of me was excited. Part of me was scared- not necessarily for the obvious reasons like politics. I think it was more because I felt I had no clue what I was doing. And that was pretty much it.

I thought it was interesting. And that was pretty much it, until I saw a message from a friend about possibly taking over her role as DCE in the church I am attending. HMMM. So, I guess I'm going to be praying. You can too. You can be assured that I am unsure about any of this. But because I had a dream prior to the comment, I might listen more.

Maybe that is the purpose of my dreams- a little forewarning for what is in store for me. (Please no Martians!) Maybe not. But at any rate, I'm listening a little more now.

Peace out!

thirsty

2009-04-03T14:50:00.000-07:00

As my facebook status reads, I am, "desperate for sunshine."
Ugh. I cannot stand to see the white or gray skies anymore. I am dying for a chance to be out in the sun. Playing outdoors. And just soaking it all in. I'm just thirsty for it. I'm parched.

It is crazy how similar this is to my relationship with church. I'm not saying, "God", because I think we are ok. We could always be better. But I'm thirsty for church. For the relationships and the community. I am parched for the joy in ministry and for the songs in my heart. It has been a difficult road for me. I'm not even sure I can describe it all together. But I know that right now, I need to be in such a community just as I know the sunshine would do me a world of good.

In the last few weeks, I've gone back to the closest thing I have to a church home. It was a place I called home for a while. And then conflict arose. And I ran. And I came back. And conflict arose. And again I ran. I dreamt of my ideal community. Those relationships, and what it would look like to really love on those people around me. And I have strayed farther and farther. I guess you could say that as far as my relationship with church goes, I have ended up in the Pacific Northwest of sunshine. It is just too cloudy and foggy for me to even think clearly. All I end up seeing is the potential conflicts, the fake relationships, the hypocrisy. I'm not seeing the sunshine.

"Yes, there is conflict. Yes, there is evil that wants only to destroy you. Yes, there will be pain and loss. But the struggle is worth it. Any great story has conflict; this is what makes the story worth telling." -Neil Cole, Organic Church

And that is it. That is the line that snags me back in. Yes, I'm hesitant. But I know that God is calling me back. My body and soul know it before I do. I've been missing all the classic symptoms of dehydration. I'm beyond thirsty.

I'm not sure if this place is exactly where God wants me in the long run. But I think that it is where he wants me now. I just have to get over my pride and take a long drink. It is not going to be perfect. And lets thank the Lord now for that. I don't have to lie about being perfect either. But I will be in a place that shares joys and trials, hopes and fears, and most of all- the love of Jesus Christ.

"Jesus answered, 'Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life." - John 4:14

"Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled." Matthew 5:6

“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.”- Matthew 11: 28-30

Peace out!

excited

2009-03-30T14:24:00.000-07:00

Well, I am pleased to announce that last night my husband actually did the online application for the public safety test. Yes- the thing he needs to do in order to even get the chance to take the tests for becoming a lawenforcement officer.

And, it is Spring Break for Vancouver. No baseball until Thursday. Makes me happy.

Now, if only the sun would shine down on me (and I could go outside to enjoy it).

Peace out!

mixed titles

2009-03-27T11:06:00.001-07:00

I have so many things that I have been wanting to blog about. However, I have been lazy or busy or both. At any rate- here are the "titles" to the blog and a little blurb about what has been going on in my life.

"Reminder"

Sunday Pastor Orlie reminded us of God's love and thoughtfulness as presented through Psalm 139. I especially loved his illustration to verse 13- "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb." He brought out a sweater that his wife Linda had knit. I'm just learning how to knit so I find myself talking all/most of the stitches and starting over again until it is perfect. God does that too. He is knitting us into exactly what He wants us to be. And if he has an extra stitch in there or he has dropped one- he takes it out, starts again. He has made us exactly to his plan. Just that effort in each of us- that thoughtfulness toward His plan is so reassuring to know how much love He has for us. I would encourage you to read the passage and just feel God's love for you.

"Thespians for life"

As many of you know, I am a thespian. I am. I paid the lifetime dues when I was a student in high school. I am an actress. (You can laugh now.) Though I don't practice acting anymore, I was astonished on Tuesday when a friend of mine suggested that I'm not an emotional person. Okay, a better word is SHOCKED. I see myself as very emotional. Highly unstable. But I have to admit that I spent many years trying to hide my emotions. I learned how to cry so that nobody could see I was crying. I learned how to bottle emotions up - even to the point I wasn't sure how to define my emotions. I have my moments still where I am out of control. But I guess I didn't realize that I was still feigning control to the outside world. And because I just want to be authentic and honest about who I am, I want to be able to be real with my emotions (or at least more aware of them).

"Offended"

I was driving down the road and I spotted a bumper sticker. It read, "Jesus is coming...look busy." Ouch! I'm not sure what offended me the most. Is this a sticker from a Christian or a non Christian? I don't want to "look" busy, I want to be busy. But at the same time, I don't want to just be "busy". I want to be in real relationships the way my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ was. I want ministry to look like that. Yes, I know that Jesus is coming and that my time for ministry is limited. But seriously, is that sticker even appropriate? Ugh. I think I'm still offended.

"Goodbye"

Yesterday a most wonderful friend finished packing up her house. She and her family are moving. And I am sad. I didn't cry. I wanted to. But I held back. I'm happy that I am planning on seeing her when I make my summer trek to Colorado. So I didn't have to face any possible finality. But she is not near by anymore.

I was reminded of when I was in 5th grade. I went to Trinity Lutheran School (original name, huh?) in Amarillo, Texas. We were moving to Arkansas. I think it was also in March. At any rate, the school held a going away party for my sister and me. At the end, the principal told us the history to the word "goodbye". I'm not sure how accurate it was/is. But I think very fondly of it. You see, we are lazy people. And "Goodbye" is just slang, slacker language for God Bless Ye. Yes, that is how it started out. "God Bless Ye".

So Heidi, Brent, and girls- God Bless Ye. I will see you again friend. May your journey be full of grace, God's power, and peace. We love you and will miss you.

Well, I need to go rescue a couple of babies from the crib. God with God's peace and love.

Peace out!

colors

2009-03-20T14:45:00.000-07:00

I have decided that every moment in life should be assigned a color.

Society has, respectively, tried to give moments colors. Weddings initially bring to mind the color white. Funerals- black. Graduation gets two- black and gold. Spring is usually greens and maybe some brights. Winters are usually depicted either with the colors assigned to the holidays or light blues and white for color of frost.

But after thinking intensely about color the last couple of days, I think there should be colors added for other moments. For moments that aren't necessarily broadcast to the whole world. For the little moments as well as the big ones.

Sleepless night- maybe a foggy gray? Or maybe it depends on why you weren't sleeping.

Boredom- a muddy brown

Hope- I think that I am picturing a lavender- like a spring flower- in my mind.

Listening to a good song- I see bright colors, especially a teal/peacock green

I'm not sure what color I would pick for hunger- maybe a yellow to orange color.

I just have colors on the brain.

My crocus are blooming. I was able to capture a couple good pictures before Jackson decided to stomp on them all. (I think my reaction to the stomping was more of a black color).

I got together with a bunch of wonderful friends to do some tie-dye at my friend Heidi's house.

I'm helping a friend make wedding invitations for her wedding. We are still picking the ink and paper out.

Jackson "peed yellow" in the potty chair yesterday and got rewarded for his great efforts with a sticker on his new, colorful sticker chart.

We've had some good rain here (like it never stops). Jackson and I have been searching for some good rainbows. Here is a double one we caught the other day in front of our home.

I suppose the colors really come down to emotions. And in that case, I'm all over the color charts. I'm hopeful for Kevin to get a job in law enforcement (maybe that lavender, but due to its nature, I am also seeing blue or browns because of the uniforms). Antsy that is sooner than later (orange). One of my dearest friends is moving away from me (deep deep blue). I finally have a day at home (light pink). I am so happy today is the first day of spring (bright green).

I'm all over that color wheel. But I think that is okay. Because isn't it when you have an absence of color that you get black? yes, I think it is. And when you are full of color- reflecting that color- is white. I'm not sure if I am remembering my science correctly. But the point is that I like color. And what would life be like only in blues or greens without reds and purples or oranges and yellows? It would be incomplete.

Peace out!

posture

2009-03-13T14:45:00.001-07:00

This morning I decided I needed to get in the Word. It is something I keep saying I need to do. I might even gaze thoughtfully at my shelf of Bibles. But it is definitely something I keep putting off. The Bible was open to Colossians already because I used a passage for my post yesterday.

This is what I read.
Colossians 4:2-6
"Devote yourselves to prayer, being watchful and thankful. And pray for us too, that God may open a door for our message, so that we may proclaim the mystery of Christ, for which I am in chains. Pray that I may proclaim it clearly, as I should. Be wise in the way you act toward outsiders; make the most of every opportunity. Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone."

While an all around great passage, one word really stood out to me. WATCHFUL. Why this word, you ask. Well, let me explain. In Get Out of That Pit by Beth Moore, she explains three great in depth definitions for the Hebrew word "qwh" which, loosely means to wait. One of the definitions means "to lie in wait for someone...to expect, await, look for patiently, hope; to be confident, trust; to be enduring." She continues (p153), "What does a watchman have to do with us? In God-terms, waiting means adopting a watchman's posture. His goal-orientation....That means ceasing to make ourselves comfortable in that pit another day. Spiritually speaking, stand up and watch. Anticipate your absolute, inevitable deliverance."

As you may or may not know, I am in love with my new Wii fit. I have had it a day short of two weeks. I try to get on it every single day. While the Wii fit is more oriented toward a weight/BMI goal- my goal is simply better posture. I hate my back. The way it curves unnaturally forward from years of slouching keeps me from looking too long in the mirror. So that is my goal better posture.

So I try to get on daily. I will admit that I have been exhausted, so I have missed a couple of days. But I have found that I love yoga. I like it because it is low impact. I like it because it feels like I'm not really doing too much. Yet I like it because that darn tree pose really challenges me. (By the way, I do all right except when it asks me to stand on one leg. Then I am all over the place).

The Wii fit body test tracks my daily center of balance. That center of balance in turn is just a reaction to my posture. My goal, then, is not just to improve my posture, I'm looking for a new center of balance.

I got so excited when I saw the word WATCHFUL in Colossians today because I immediately thought of a WATCHMAN posture. A posture that, really, is all part of my center of balance. I KNOW that my center of balance should be Christ. His death, his resurrection. The forgiveness of the world's sins. Of my sins. Yet, I daily fail to have a perfect center of balance. My posture is off.

The only way that I can correct my posture is by daily stretching and reorienting my core muscles. That is what yoga and strength training are helping me to do physically. Prayer and God's Word will help me do that spiritually. And I think above all experiencing the forgiveness that God has to offer us.

It is like the V8 commercials. We are totally off balance, trying to do things our way. All we needed was a V8 today and would be balanced, standing straight and tall. God's forgiveness is like that. We try to do things on our own. We are leaning this way or that. But when it comes down to it, we just needed our daily dose of God. A dose of love. A dose of correction. A dose of forgiveness. And the best part is that perfect posture, or even just working out- feels good.

Peace out!

waiting

2009-03-12T20:03:00.000-07:00

Trivia question for the day (per my mozzarella cheese stick wrapper)-
How long can a snail sleep without eating?
Answer- 3 years.

Go figure. First of all, who knew snails lived that long, much less slept that long? And how long can they sleep when they eat? Or are they just awake when/after eating?

I don't know the answer to these absurd (maybe not so absurd questions). But I do know that the first thing on my mind, even before getting out of the bed, is a huge bowl of cereal. Preferably Tootie Frooties (the generic Froot Loops). And that is just after a few hours of not eating. I am a huge grumpy mess until I get my breakfast in me.

You can ask my husband, kids, and dog. I have no intention of WAITING.

As my most recent posts have suggested, God is working on me. I'm not sure what the full image/message will be. I'm still WAITING on that one. But I think that right now God is trying to help me understand me. He is helping me understand why I am where I am. He is showing me that this has just been a part of the WAIT. It is part of the plan.

So- back to a usual day in the house with me, 3 kids, and a pesky dog. I think my favorite word (and by "favorite", I mean, "used most often") is "WAIT". I honestly wonder how often I say it. I say it to each of the kids.
"Jackson, could you just wait a minute, I'm nursing."
"Sawyer, you'll have to wait- it is Reese's turn."
"Reese, just wait, kid."
"Shortstop- you'll have to wait."
"WAIT! WAIT! WAIT! WAIT! WAIT!"
The sentence possibilities- my sentence actualities- are endless. I use the word all the time. But do I like to hear it? Absolutely NOT. I struggle with the idea of patience. I'm not sure the exact lines- but I love the exchange from the movie The Mummy. She says something like, "patience is a virtue". And he says something like, "one which I do not possess."

I'm in a passage of waiting. I don't think I've even known I've been here, but I've been here for quite some while. It is part of the healing process- whether intentional or not (on my part). And God has been waiting with me. Until recently, I have been content in my oblivious state of mind. I loved having excuses for not being (who, what, & where) I had intended in my life.

A quote from Beth Moore's Get Out of That Pit (page 149)

Good stories don't jump on a page. They toss and turn, ebb and flow, rise
and fall, just like the heaving chest of Adam as God first breathed that soul
into his brand new corpse. Life on Planet Earth can never be static. Even in his
stillest state, man inhales and exhales, lifts up and lilts down.
The good news is we may have to wait for deliverance while the vehicle of time jolts and lurches, but we never have to wait on God Himself. Never have to wait to enjoy His Presence or be reassured of His love. If we are willing to take God at His Word, we can have any one of those relational delights instantly. The only wait is on seeing His work manifest in the physical realm, seeing our petition come to fruition.

How is that for a message from God? And about WAITING too?
When God sends me a message, He sends me the same message about 1000 times- just in different ways. Sometimes I get the message very quickly. Sometimes it takes days, to weeks, to months, and occasionally even years to get what He wants me to hear. He could just speak a loud voice from the heavens so that I get the message instantaneously. But no- He WAITS for my heart to be ready to hear what he has to say. This wait- whether I am entirely aware of it or not- is a time for me to be together with God himself. It is about togetherness. It is about talking to God about the expectations in my heart. It is about finding that confidence and trust that I can find only in the Lord. It is about bringing me closer- binding me together with Him so that we can take the next step together.

I have no idea if anything I am even writing is making sense to anyone but me. But where I am- WAITING for the healing to be completed, WAITING for the strength to minister, WAITING for my next instructions- it is all part of the journey that God has called me to.

I'm the kind of person that has to have a to-do list in order to get anything done. Or a grocery list- made from a planned out menu, in order to adequately spend my food money. Not knowing what journey lies ahead is a little hard for me. I suppose simply from knowing that it IS part of the journey can be reassuring. But maybe there is also the idea of not WAITING idly- but instead preparing for the journey. I'm envisioning getting ready for a journey. Locating our travel documents, cleaning out an old suitcase, putting on the clothes that God has prepared for us.
Colossians 3:12-14 says, "Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity."

This is where I am. I'm WAITING for the rest of the journey. I'm preparing. I'm forgiving. I'm dusting off my "passport" and remembering exactly who Christ has called me to be.

These next verses directly follow what was written above. I thought it fitting to end this post with them because they are about peace.

Colossians 3:15-17
"Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God. And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him."

Peace out!

ripple in the ocean

2009-03-10T12:59:00.001-07:00

I think the Holy Spirit is at work. Well duh. I suppose a job like that never ends. But I think the Holy Spirit is working in me. I think I am in the healing process. I've written about not being in ministry for a while. And I've written about being called back.

This is the reality of it.
I read the quote from Babe Ruth on striking out.

Then here are some more that I read today.
"A ship in a harbor is safe, but that is not what ships are made for." -Anonymous

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." -Mark Twain

And here are a couple paragraphs that begin Chapter 14 from Organic Church by Neil Cole.

"A ship sits elegantly in one of the busiest harbors in the world. She has been there for almost four decades, unmoved. The Queen Mary is a hotel, encased in a rock jetty. Tourists who come to Long Beach must see this famous attraction. But they are seeing only a faint shadow of the world-renowned ship that she once was, taking voyages all over the world. During World War II she became a true heroine and was used to transport injured military personnel. The Queen was meant to be out on the high seas, but now she is on the American Automobile Association's list of four-star hotels. I can see the Queen's tall red smokestacks from my office on the hill; she reminds me of a hollowed-out leader who dreams of days of glory long past.
"We are all familiar with the tragedy of the Titanic, but I believe that the Queen Mary is another sort of tragedy. I must confess that if I had to be a ship and choose a destiny, I would rather go out in glory on my maiden voyage like the Titanic than be
stuck rusting in a harbor, never to make another ripple in the ocean. Award winning movies are made of one story and not the other.
"Many of us are like the Queen Mary: safe, secure, and not what we were meant to be. As I drive to work most mornings and see the stacks of the Queen, it helps remind me not to settle for less than the life Christ called me to. Many of us settle for lesser lives, for stories not worth telling. We are being called to a higher story, a bigger tale that will be told in future generations. This is not a safe tale, but none of the tales worth telling are safe ones. Leave the harbor; set sail into the open waters on a journey you will neither forget nor regret!"

WOW! All I think is that it really the Holy Spirit trying to speak to me. I should be able to hear him or at least picture him saying, "Can you hear me now?" I've been safe and secure. But I am not following the entire calling God has chosen for me. It is time to see his vision once again. It is time to find my place in His ministry.

And I just love that line about causing a ripple in the ocean. It is nothing huge, extravagant, or even not worthy. But it is a ripple. The image of something so small yet going outward. It is love. It is ministry. It is bringing the Kingdom of God to all the people. It is our calling as Christians. It is my calling. And God will use me in His creative way to carry that out.

Peace out!

snippet of inspiration

2009-03-09T20:47:00.001-07:00

I think my best moments of inspiration come in the shower or when I am lying down to sleep, or really when I have a free minute- no kids in sight- to actually think about life.
At any rate, today's snippet of inspiration came in the shower.

I have been told by several people that they have always pictured me as a writer. Don't tell my English teachers that. Some, especially one from college, would probably just laugh. I know my grammar and sentence structure isn't always great. I write as the words come off the brain. Very little editing. I've been thinking about this for some time. But I always question what I could possibly offer as a writer. I wonder why a publisher would even consider me amongst all the other people out there submitting book proposals. It has all boiled down to a lack of self confidence. I have only seen myself as a nobody in the eyes of the world.

After my thoughts yesterday about the ministry, it is like God has started to lift the fog from around my brain. I told you I was going to pray about it- about being myself and about ministry again.

Somewhere after the shampoo, before the conditioner it hit me. The best ministry in my life is my mom's group. I joined while I was pregnant with Jackson. I've been a part of these women's lives for roughly 3 years. They are my family- my sisters. And I thought about how we each have such unique stories. No two are the same. Above and beyond that, we each have different perspectives. We see things and interpret things. And yet we are one. We are one community. We love each other. We support each other. And we cry out for each other.

This is what needs to be written. People all across the world, let alone the United States are yearning for community. I have been blessed to be a part of one. The book is just an idea. There is no guarantee we would even do it, or that a publisher would even want to take a look at it. But wouldn't it be something to see that community on paper? To feel the love, the passion, and the cords that tie us together? I think my snippet of inspiration(the book) could be a gob of inspiration(a mom's group, e.g.) to someone else yearning for community.

So the idea will be presented. If you are praying, pray for God's direction and voice. Let this be of Him and not just of my desire for fame and fortune (wink). Pray that we can share our ministry with the world.

Peace out!

striking out

2009-03-08T13:19:00.001-07:00

It may be familiar to many people, but I read a quote this morning that was new to me. Babe Ruth once said, "Don't let the fear of striking out keep you from swinging the bat."

I think that is where I've been living my life for at least the last 2 years. I'm living in fear. And it isn't a good fear. Two very dear friends and I went to college together. Our hearts were filled with passion for ministry. We had hearts for the people. We just wanted to love on people. We wanted them to know Jesus. I'm not saying that isn't still there. But I think it is definitely hidden, if not lost for the moment. Of the three of us, only one is still in church work- and that will be changing soon due to getting married and relocating. She is excited about the "change of venue" but is unsure if she wants to continue in public ministry. The other friend is in school getting her Masters in Counseling. It is still a helping career. But it isn't where she thought she would be.

As for me, I quit the public ministry about 8 months INTO my year long internship. Sure I "finished" it at another church. But I was holding back. And now, I'm just living in that fear. It is a fear of getting hurt. Putting myself out there on the line. Opening my heart to people and just being led to the slaughter. Maybe I was trying to live in my ideals rather than in reality.

I'm even still mad at myself just because I should have seen it coming. I grew up with my dad as a pastor of a Lutheran church. I know that he struggled in the church. But being a PK himself, that is all he knew. And he has accepted that and continues to do ministry- though now in the military.

One thing I find interesting, is that since I've been afraid of "stepping up to bat", I think I'm denying who I am. I would classify myself as a risk-taker. I love to take risks. I've seen more miracles from God while taking risks than at any other time in my life. I would also classify myself as an outgoing personality. If you have only met me in the last couple of years, I might think you would laugh to hear that. I'm so reserved it is scary how different I am. And above all I would say my attitude is different. Yes, I still have a rather care-free attitude. But the undertones of it all have changed. It used to be the happier of the care-free. Now I think it is negative. "Realistic" at best. What happened to all that joy that I had? Is it really just getting hurt and having those hurt around me?

I need a big attitude adjustment. I've been uber grumpy. And I am relying too much upon the attitudes of the people around me. If Kevin is the slightest bit miffed, I'm past grumpy and on my way to angry. I'm feeding off the negative. My sister called me yesterday. She started telling me basically the same story. Although she was thinking that her husband was the one who needed the attitude adjustment. She may be right, but I always like to thing that the change starts with me.

At any rate I'm not sure I'm ready for public ministry again. But I am hoping to open my heart back up to God and to those relationships he has put me in. What is the saying? You can only get out of life what you are willing to put into it. Is that right? And I haven't been putting any thing into this. I am missing what I had- especially the relationship I had with God. I still have one, but it is different. It is colder. It is not full of the joy I once had.

So here is to not being afraid to strike out. Here is to swinging the bat anyway. I'm married to a baseball player. I know that statistically speaking- even the best hitters in the game are only successful 30% of the time. And yet they are still out there swinging away. So, Lord. It may take a couple at bats, but I think I'm ready to rethink my stance on striking out.

Peace out!

defenses

2009-03-05T21:26:00.001-08:00

Tonight some Mama friends and I went to a women's self defense class at a Kung Fu studio. It was interesting, had some fun, maybe even learned some things. I think my biggest problem was forgetting to breathe (which apparently is crucial to the whole equation). But one thing the guy kept saying over and over again was about how these things that we are learning are pointless if it isn't practiced into being second nature to us.

I'll admit I haven't been practicing any good self defense. But I am not sure I've really been practicing a more important self defense. I'm thinking of the Armor of God. I've done a couple of really good (if I might say so myself) "talks" on this passage. And yet I am not using it like God has intended.

The armor is our protection against anything that may be coming our way. It should be a part of our "second nature" our subconscious. We should be living by it.

Ephesians 6:10-18

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of
God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our
struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the
authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual
forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God,
so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and
after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of
truth buckled around your waist, with a breastplate of righteousness in place,
and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of
peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you
can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of
salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the
Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in
mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.

It is funny how I can remember exactly where this verse is, yet the picture always amazes me. I am protected. God has chosen to protect me. I am set up for a good defense. And not only that. I have a weapon. An offense. It is the sword of the Spirit- the WORD. Now try to imagine a knight in shining armor. I personally can't picture a knight without the sword. It is crucial.

I have been horrible. Full of excuses, but really just horrible. I haven't been in the Word until just the other day. And oh how I am thirsty for it. God knows that. I think that is why He keeps providing opportunities for life lessons (which just happen to get me thinking about scripture). But I want it to be second nature to me. And it isn't. So I am hoping that God keeps sending me these little pieces like He did tonight. It is bringing me peace. I'll pray for you too. That He sends you a little something just like that.

Peace out!

wrastling

2009-03-04T21:08:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking about wrestling tonight. Or as we joked in Arkansas, "wrastling". I'm not a fan of wrestling- televised or the real stuff you see in high school gymnasiums. But as a mother of a two and a half year old, it is a daily part of my life.

Today it wasn't the usual getting into the car seat or changing the diaper. I decided to give Jackson a haircut even though he was adamantly against the idea. It was long. I had even joked that it looked like MacGyver hair. At any rate we've been asking Jackson if he wanted a hair cut for at least a month now. And he just yells back, "No haircut! No cut Jackson's hair!" We have even provided good bribes like candy or popsicles to get the job done. But really, he was just working us- agreeing to the haircut just long enough to get the yummies that were intended to help him sit still and then jet. We have asked him if he wanted to cut Daddy's hair so he could be reminded that it isn't that bad. Today I also showed him pictures on the internet of kids getting cool haircuts like a mohawk. Needless to say tonight was the night where we decided he didn't get a say.

After dinner I announced that I was going to cut Daddy's hair. And after Daddy's hair we announced it was Jackson's turn. There was immediate crying, running away, and general mayhem. But Daddy did his best to hold him down. I did my best to give him a decent cut. It was a genuine wrestling match. It took the two of us to get him in position to even use the clippers. As the fight ensued, you could pretty much just hear the low rumble of the clippers and a two year old sobbing with intermittent screams, "No, Mama, No!" Absolutely crushing for a Mama to hear. Twenty minutes after my wrastling match, it was pretty much forgotten/forgiven. He was over it. I'm sure the bowl of ice cream helped. He even let us take pictures of his new do.

This wrestling match got me thinking about wrestling. Not the over dramatized events or the cauliflower ears, but about the idea of it really. It is just an act of resisting. I could look it up, but I think that will make this long post even longer. As my train of thought started chugging down the track, I was reminded of Jacob wrestling with God. If you want to read about it, it starts in Genesis 32:22.

Jacob wrestled with God. I'm not sure why Jacob even had the urge to wrestle with this "man". But he did it. And God showed Jacob that He could have His way simply by touching his hip. Crazy isn't it? How we are just like Jacob. We are (or maybe it is just me) resisting God. I may not even know it is Him until later, but I am resisting all the way anyhow. I'm in that wrestling match. I'm demanding my deserved blessing. And God just subtly reminds me that He is in control.

That thought alone- the control one- reminds me about the peace that only God can bring. I'm wrestling every day (and not with just a two and a half year old). I can wrestle- God has given me that right. But I am thankful that He reminds me of that blessing that he has already given me- His control. I hope that anyone who reads this can see that blessing too.

Peace out!

anxious heart

2009-03-03T14:26:00.000-08:00

So I am anxious. It might be in part due to the fact that I am of species WOMAN. It might be that I am not necessarily the best communicator so it all sticks with me. But I am a truly anxious woman. Therefore, I have decided to put my anxieties on here- more or less as prayer requests- but especially to just get it out there.

1- Kevin is looking at a career change. I'm afraid I may be pushing too hard, but I am more than excited at the possibility. I am overanxious. He is looking into a civil servant career- but mainly at law enforcement. Did I mention that I am overanxious about this? I am so excited about the possibility- I already imagine him having that job. What is worse- this is a tough career to get into. I am afraid I am setting myself up for mad disappointment. At first my prayer was that Kevin would even consider this. But now it is more about expectations. If this is the path that God has chosen for us, pray that doors and windows keep opening. If it is not, please let them close quickly (and loudly).

2- Right now I am listening to my son cry. I absolutely hate it. In fact, I think I have eaten 3 monster cookies just since I sat down at the computer. (I'm not complaining about eating the cookies, just merely providing evidence that I am definitely a comfort eater). Sawyer is in a phase right now where he can't sleep unless on Mama or Daddy. And when he is tired, I can't even put him down without him screaming. Even if he is right next to me. Our pediatrician recommended (only if we were ready for this long ordeal) to start training him. To do that we are supposed to put him down for naps and bedtime in the crib and let him cry. We've been doing nap times like this for over a week. And let me tell you- he isn't training at all. The kid just won't go to sleep. I'll get him when I go get Reese or Jackson because nap time is over. And it just compounds. He just gets tired as the day goes on. I try to wear him in one of my baby carriers (usually my Silly Goose) when it isn't nap time. But still. I still have to nurse another child. I still like to sit occasionally. And the kid is just not happy. So my prayer is that he either learns to sleep on his own or we come to a good compromise where we both get rest.

3-My dog is still driving me nuts. The other day I left the room for a moment to go change a diaper. I hear glass crashing on the kitchen floor. When I came back in, he had gotten on the table to lick out our dinner bowl and knocked it on the floor. This is not the first time. Plus he digs. And he barks at the lawn guys. And he whines at cats and squirrels and other dogs outside. He almost didn't make this list, but I just got up to wipe off more than merely muddy paws. Ugh! So my prayer that is we find a compromise there too. One where I can be what he needs me to be and he can give me a break.

4- Baseball season has started once again. I used to love baseball. One of my favorite sounds in life used to be the aluminum bats I could hear from my dorm room at Concordia during the spring semester. But now... I almost loath the sport. It is sad. But it steals my husband away. I'm already going nuts and then he doesn't get home for a couple more hours. His "boss" is a jerk and not a good coach. Parents complain about their kids playing time/positions. But this is all my husband has left of something he truly loves. So pray that I can be the loving supportive wife that he needs me to be.

Well, I'm sure there is more on my mind. But the call of more cookies and maybe some Wii fit time isn't going to win the battle for my minute. But before I sign off, I thought it would be good to get in the Word for a second.

Philippians 4:4-9
"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.
Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me--put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you."

Peace out!

a change is coming

2009-03-02T14:40:00.001-08:00

I'm excited. I absolutely love spring. Well, I'm a Southern Girl. Spring is a little different there. But today reminds me of what I love.

The sun is shining. Even when I'm trapped inside like today, just having it stream through my windows makes me smile. I've even commented to Kevin recently that I can totally understand why people used to worship the sun. If I didn't know God- I would probably be one of them. Of course, that would mean I would have to move. :)

There are sporatic rain showers. Yes, raining while the sun is shining. Such a happy time. The rain and the sun bring out the best greens in the grass and trees. Somewhere in my back yard (hiding behind the swing set so that I can't really see them) my purple crocus look gorgeous. I'm just getting so excited about the warmer weather, the sunny days, and time spent outside!

Until then I get to enjoy my new Wii fit. Yes, I finally got one. Of course I had to use money in my "home improvement" fund. And yes, I was able to justify it coming out of that fund- rather easily too. My goal is to do the fit for a half an hour every day. It makes me happy. And soon I'll be the best hula hooper ever! Hopefully my twin skin will be changing too.

Anyhow, I'm having a good day just looking out the window. Two out of three boys are asleep right now. I'm actually on the computer. And I swept and mopped my kitchen floor. It has been a great day so far.

Peace out!

coping

2009-02-27T12:11:00.000-08:00

It has been quite some time since I've written. Are you really ready for my excuses? We have been sick since the middle of January with something or other. A swing died leaving 2 babies without sleep in that time. (No, they don't really sleep during the day. Reese might, but Sawyer won't). I don't even get on the computer. I'm only on now because the twins are in the crib and Jackson is painting. I didn't say they were sleeping.

Honestly not much is happening in my life right now. I'm not reading ANYTHING. I'm not going ANYWHERE. And aside from my children and occasionally my husband, I don't think I'm really seeing ANYONE. I may be losing my mind.

A couple of my "mottoes" that get me through the day are
"One child at a time"
"One day at a time"
"Kevin will be home soon".

Honestly. This is my life right now. I'm just coping with what I have. I'm open to suggestions on teaching the bebes to sleep on their own (at least for naps). Or how to have a childless minute on occasion.
Well, I have to rescue the boys.

Peace out!

a death in the family

2009-01-26T14:08:00.000-08:00

Sometime in the middle of the night I woke up to this sound that I just knew was Jackson crying out for daddy. I woke Kevin up from his NyQuil induced deep sleep to go and check on the boy. By the time he finally got up I had doubts that what I had heard was even Jackson. It could have some a cat meowing loudly outside our window. As Kevin staggered through the doorway he turned off one of our baby swings (because it appeared the batteries were dead), and proceeded to check on the boy.

As soon as he turned off the swing, the sound (which was hard to decipher because the swing was so loud) also was muted. No, Jackson was asleep. And it wasn't a cat--Shortstop would have alerted us. We decided that the painful sound was that of swing batteries dying.

Today we started our day as usual. We followed the familiar routine that we usually have. Up around 8. Everybody out to the living room. That is eventually followed by nursing and more nursing and then the twinkies go to their swings all swaddled up for a little nap.

I put them both in. Reluctant though they were to sleeping, I closed the door and proceeded to continue with the morning routine. Not too long after that, one of the boys- Reese- was absolutely wailing. I went in to get him so he wouldn't wake up his brother. What did I see? His swing was completely stopped. I knew Kevin had charged the batteries so I was confused. I went to charge them again. Sawyer was also awake so I brought them both out to the living room again.

The story continues in much the same way not too long after that. I noticed that the batteries were done charging. Boys were cranky. We nursed. We swaddled. And I put them in swings. This time, the swing wouldn't even turn on. Then I realized that the sound we heard last night was not that of batteries dying only to be recharged again. It was probably the motor in the swing trying its hardest to stay alive.

So, we are plunged into a period of transition whether we are ready or not. Our routines are no longer going to work the same as they have for the past 6 months. And it is then- when the crying will not subside, when the boys will not sleep, when the batteries do not need to be charged that I mourn our death in the family.

Here are the twins in their swings in September. It is the bright blue one that died.

Peace out!

sowing & reaping

2009-01-21T14:10:00.000-08:00

I sent the following out in an email to some friends the other day.

Lately I've been having some difficulty with my dog Shortstop. I haven't been giving him much attention- mostly because Jackson and the twins take up a lot of my time. We are seriously considering finding a new home for him. The only thing that has stopped us thus far is the fact that we have had him for 4 years. It is hard to make this decision. That is where you come in. I'm not asking you to take him forever (unless of course you want him), but I am just asking for a week. I'd like to see how we all do for a week without him. Jackson is very attached. Well, for that matter, so am I. But I think we need a week without him. If you are interested, let me know. Of if you know someone who is interested please feel free to pass the information on.

His bio

Name: Shortstop

Age: 4

Breed: Jack Russell Terrier

Size: Roughly 25 lbs (although its been a while since weighed)

Great with kids. Not so fond of cats. Usually plays well with other dogs. He is super fast and always looking for a place to run around. He sheds little white hairs.He shake and high 5.

And then today I was reading the daily quote from my First Things First Every Day book by Covey, Merrill, Merill. And what do you know?

The quote for January 21st (found on page 21 says, "The problems in life come when we're sowing one thing and expecting to reap something entirely different."

DING DING DING DING WE HAVE A WINNER!

So I am sowing one thing and expecting to reap another. Look at my poor dog. He is great (usually), but he really is. He allows my 2 year old to terrorize him without doing anything in return. He thinks he is a lap dog. And he is a great snuggler. But I am having problems with him.

What kind of problems you ask? Well the kind where I know that I am the one who is at fault. I don't exercise him. I don't give him anything to "do" and JRTs are recommended to have a day job. I never trained him (or myself). And now I can't handle it. How ridiculous is that?

So I am trying to work on myself- what I am sowing and reaping. But I thought of some other things that should be put on the sowing-reaping "discrepancy" list.

Scary movies= nightmares

Lazy days= more work tomorrow

Bad eating habits= funny looking tummy

Not communicating= frustration that others can't read my mind

Doing everything for other people= always doing everything for other people

Although I'm trying to be a little humorous, it is pretty serious. The Dog Whisperer probably could have told me all these things in like 2 seconds. But it isn't just about my dog- it is about everything in life. I am a wife and a mother. I seriously should look at what I am sowing in those relationships. It might better explain what I am reaping. And what I want to be reaping is peace. So right now I am going to figure out which seed, exactly, that I am sowing.

Peace out!

lack of intimacy

2009-01-11T21:08:00.000-08:00

This is important enough for me, so I am going to attempt my 2nd post on the subject. The first one was pretty well written. This one probably won't be near as good. In case you are wondering- the first magically disappeared. (Ok, in reality I know I should have pushed "save now" before hitting the back button. But I didn't).

I have had a few moments that individually may have stood out, but that was about it. Together, they have lead me to this post. I want to post about a relationship of mine. You see, one of my big "projects" is to actually take care of myself. I can't even say better care of myself. Besides the daily shower and stuffing my face with some sort of food, there is no care for myself. This project, per se, is based off the acronym S.P.I.E.S. I wasn't in the college phys ed class (Mary Oldenburg's class) that used the acronym, but I heard about it. S.P.I.E.S. simply stands for "Spiritual, Physical, Intellectual, Emotional, and Social" in relation to one's health. Please note that the first aspect of health is spiritual. This is the relationship I need to work on. (Actually, I need help in all areas, but lets just focus on that first one).

So my relationship with God is a little rusty. Heck, if I can put taking care of me on hold- surely God can wait too. While my dad was here last week we got on the subject of church. I filled him in. After about a half an hour, he said, "So, you're just taking a hiatus from church." I hemmed and hawwed. But the answer is Yes I Am. Don't get me wrong, tons of people can see I have enough on my plate. They provide excuses for me when I cannot. But it all really boils down to me being on hiatus. I'm not proud of that answer. Probably because I can feel that it isn't right.

One of my great excuses for my church hiatus is churches and all the crap they have holding them together. I want my church to be all about relationships and working through relationships. And lately all I've seen is a show, or a gossip committee, or the politics that rip relationships apart. It is truly sad. And somewhere in my hiatus God has slowly been whispering to me. "Layne, churches aren't perfect because they are made of people." Or, "Layne, the church is about forgiveness- try it yourself." So I know with my head that I need to be forgiving right now. I know with my head that the church is never going to be perfect. And yet, I still manage to make excuses that are keeping me in my pit.

I'm in a women's Bible study on Thursdays at my friend Beth's house. Actually, we've been calling it the "Pit Study" because we are reading Beth Moore's Get Out of That Pit. It has been one of those studies that is good enough you want to not show up. You don't want to address the pit(s) in your life. Yeah. I've thought about it. Anyhow. I realized from day 1 that part of my pit (or maybe it is only one of several of my pits) is my hiatus from church.

If you know me, you would probably know that I struggle with an addiction. I am addicted to pleasing other people. I am addicted to words of praise. I am addicted to recognition for doing something. Of course, this addiction makes me one of those people who is a very hard worker. I'm aggreeable. It looks great on a job resume. But if you look closer, you will see that this addiction is a result of never feeling worthy or good enough to just be myself. Yes, this is who I am. But I forget to think about myself. I factor in only what other people think and expect for me. I've been through counseling for this addiction. There are times when I'm doing great- not worrying about what people think because I know that when God sees me, He sees me as perfect because Christ's blood has washed over me. But there are many other times when I long to do something right or to stand out in the crowd.

In her book, Beth Moore hit nail on the head when she wrote (pgs 59-60), "If you don't soak your brain in the truth that you are absolutely secure in the unchanging love of God, you will never feel worthy of getting out of the pit." I've added the emphasis.

So that got me thinking. Well, how do I soak my brain in that truth? How do I know that love of God? My friend Martin always said that God's Word is His love letter to us. A LOVE LETTER. I have letters from my husband. Some are from when we were first dating and the latest is the one I received at Christmas. I read these love letters over and over again. And I do feel that love every time I even remember them. So why am I not doing the same thing with my love letter from God?

Another book I'm reading is Organic Church by Neil Cole. I think it is a great book. I love the simplity it brings to the table for churches and the spreading of the Kingdom. Yesterday while I was reading, I came to the section on the practice of prayer. The whole section uses wonderful images of romance. I absolutely loved this paragraph about prayer from page 174.

It is in the prayer that the romantic part of church planting is introduced.
This is very imporatant to the church, to the Father, and to the community we
want to reach. It is when we are in deep intercession for freedom of souls that
we are closest to the heart of God. This is the spiritual intimacy that tears
down strongholds of the enemy and builds new life in its place. This is the
first step in starting churches that reproudce. Pray first, pray last, and in
between pray hard.

I haven't entirely given up praying. But it is definately fewer and farther in between. How sad! I am longing for that sense of worthiness, for that sense of being loved and it is right here. It has been provided. He has given me His love letter. And He wants to be in communication with me. And yet I am still trying to rationalize my lack of intimacy away. Rationalizing is just keeping me in the pit or putting me back in when I finally get out. There are no if, ands, or buts about it. God desires that relationship with me. He loves me. And I - through the blood of Christ- am worthy of that relationship.

Last night I had a few quiet minutes. I decided to ask God to show me what I needed to read out of the Love Letter. He brought me to Psalm 79. It was so wonderful to know that God has been with me throughout this whole hiatus. I may have left, but He has NEVER left me. Isn't that just wonderful.

This has been a long post, but so worth it. I'm working on my lack of intimacy. And I know that I cannot do it on my own. But God is definately helping me out and bringing me back to His heart. There is so much peace in just knowing that.

Peace out!

the call

2009-01-08T13:51:00.000-08:00

I've been examining God in my life and the call to be a Christian. There have been a couple of things this week that have just been amazing for that journey. They have helped bring me back to what it all means.

This has been an awesome week for my family. My dad came to visit us. He has been deployed to Iraq for a year. We asked him to baptize Reese and Sawyer while he was here. I wanted my Mom's group to be there. They are my church family.

At this same time my friend Lisa has been inquiring about baptism. She wanted to be baptized. And she wanted her two children to be baptized. We conspired to have a baptism fest. I'm not sure of the whole story, but I believe that as she was leaving to come to this, her husband said he wanted to come too. And on top of that, he also wanted to be baptized.

WOW! It is just so amazing. I love to see the Holy Spirit at work.

I have this picture as my current desktop. Jackson came to look at it and asked what Grandpa Jones was doing. I proceeded to explain that he was baptizing Sawyer. And then asked a little bit more about baptism. I was talking about the Holy Spirit. The next question out of my little man's mouth- "Mama, what is the Holy Spirit doing?" I don't remember my exact answer- it was something along the lines of making a home in Sawyer's heart. But that question got me very excited. I have such a great opportunity as "Mama" to share that call with my boys .

This morning I was reading from Organic Church by Neil Cole.

This quote from pgs 172-3 just really stood out to me.

This is not a safe calling, but a worthy one. It is not always comfortable to be
amid wolves. Is Jesus interested in our comfort? Of course He is; that is why He
sent us His Comforter. Our comfort, however, is not to come from safe
surroundings but from a source of strength within.

I have more I want to get on here, but I also have 2 fussy boys and no more hands. Feel the Holy Spirit at work with in us and among us as we accept the call of the Christian.

Peace out!

on edge

2009-01-02T09:29:00.000-08:00

I had a dream last night where I was on a train/bus. I can see these gi-normous houses out my window. I'm thinking this must be where the stars live. Anyhow, we pass them. And we come to a stop at a building. The sign on the front says something. I am more interested in the town. I think it was something like St. Alistair CA. (not sure if that exists, but it is a dream). The passengers including myself head into the building. Sure enough- those houses we passed were where the stars live. We are just outside of Malibu. And we are going to take a tour of a special effects/costume studio. We proceed forward into the building. They start to put each of us in this weird costuming. We each have full faced masks. They have decided to go the horror route in the special effects department. We won't see any of the gore until they do that with the camera footage. But our special costuming will make it easier for that to happen.

I remember them putting on my mask and looking at myself in the mirror. It looks just like me except now I look synthetic- plastic.

The second step was to "audition" like a real actor might. In my full get-up, I had to basically play catch with a football. Someone threw it at me, but I couldn't get to it in time. I remember the football bouncing on the ground and going off in another direction (like only a football does). I finally caught up with it. The other people were laughing. I was supposed to pass it on. I did. I threw a perfect spiral, but no one was paying attention.

That was only the first part of the audition. If you made it through the first cut you moved on to throwing tennis balls and baseballs. Anyhow- I didn't make the cut. I had to sit out. I was supposed to take off my costume.

I think I woke up right around there. And when I woke up I felt like I still had a mask on. I could feel the mask on my face. I think that is when I realized I'm a little stressed out.

I'm a little bit stressed out right now. A little on edge.
And I thought about it. I thought about why.

My dad is coming to visit tomorrow. He (no offense to him) is one of the few people anymore who still put me on edge. I think it is because I still care what he thinks. And I am afraid I won't measure up.

I grew up in a house where we had regular chores. And these regular chores no only had to carried out- they had to be carried out to perfection. Looking at my house right now, there is no evidence that I came from that house.

I also grew up in a house where you went to church every Sunday (and Wednesday when applicable) unless you were near death. For an instant yesterday, I almost freaked out realizing my dad was going to be here over a Sunday. I'm not regularly going to a church right now. Where on earth am I going to go to church?

There are other things I could go into on this whole stress level and what I am worried about. But really it just comes down to approval. I've struggled with this need for approval for a long time. I have periods where I do fabulous and remember that I already got all the approval I need from Jesus when He took my place on the cross. And then there are the other times when Satan tries to put that mask back on my face. He wants me to strive for approval. When I do that, I can never measure up. I don't make the team.

So please pray for me. Pray that I can remember that I don't need the approval of others (even my dad) to thrive. But also pray that we can get the house in a little bit better order (just for sanity's sake). But please especially pray for those like me who are constantly trying to please people. Pray that they can see that they are worthy of love, not because of what they have done, but because of who God created and Christ who lives in them. Only then will there be peace.

Peace out!

tornado

2008-12-23T14:36:00.000-08:00

It has been at least two months since my last post. And that is because my mind has been in a tornado. I think, actually, that it is still in a tornado.

Life is crazy. I'm a mom. I have 3 children (all in diapers). The two year old is great at testing boudaries. The twins think it is important to grow teeth. Although there are no teeth yet- it is a painful and time consuming process to grow bones. I also have a whiny, attention seeking dog. If he isn't whining or barking at something out the window, I am usually tripping over him because he always only an inch away. I have a wonderful, but self-employed husband. Self-employment is only good for those who have great boundaries. Unfortuantely my husband is slowly learning what those are. And I am so far lost on the relational guide that whenever I get a free minute I am checking my email or facebook for a note from somebody rather than trying to take care of myself in any of a multitude of ways. It is anything but peaceful in my mind.

I want to go back to this image of a tornado. I am standing right in the middle and everything is flying at dangerously fast speeds around me. Everyonce in a while I can actually see through the dirt and grime to make out an object (or a concept). And it is those "objects" that I want to remember- to cling to. Because for some reason they make sense in this tornado of my mind.
I have had so many little thoughts - little "objects" that I have wanted to post here, but the tornado is keeping me from it. So here are some, in no particular order, whether they make sense to you are not. They are helping me anchor myself to the ground.

*** This is the quote of the day for December 21st (on page 287) taken from First Things First Every Day by Covey, Merrill, & Merrill. Published 1997 by Simon & Schuster New York.

"Only as we focus more on contributing than consuming can we create the context
that makes peace in all aspects of life possible. It is in leaving a legacy that we find meaning in living, loving, and learning."

*** This is from Organic Church by Neil Cole. Published 2005 by Jossey-Bass San Francisco
page 150

"The only difference spiritually between a day-old believer and one who has
walked with God for decades is maturity. The spiritual empowerment is the
same. Maturity does make a big difference, but remember that maturity is
gained through experience, not by learning in a vcuum void of hard decisions
and pressing tempations."

page 151

"I am noticing that a large number of Christians in America feel inadequate about their preparedness to serve God. Why is that? They feel they don't know enough, when they already know much more than young teenage girls in rural China who are starting hundreds of churches. What is really lacking? Knowledge is not lacking; obedience is. Christians in America are already educated beyond their obedience, and more education is not the solution."

***This idea really challenged how I think about myself and the impact I am making not only in my family's life, but in the lives of complete strangers. I read somewhere that Dr. Dobson and his family don't go to places or do anything other than church or family on Sunday. The reason: by them going out on their sabbath day- they are not only keeping their day holy, they are requiring those individuals who are working in restaraunts and stores to sacrifice their day of rest.

The tornado is calling me back. As I have more little snippets, I'll post. But this is all I can offer right now.
Merry Christmas everyone. Remember our Savior, not just for the next couple of days, but for each day of every year!

Peace out!

my contact list

2008-10-17T16:55:00.000-07:00

I'm going to try some one handed typing, so here goes.

I've been meaning to blog for few days simply because I have once again just felt so lost. In a conversation with my friend Katie, it was basically pointed out that I am lonely right now. And that I need relationships and people in order to thrive.
So I thought about this. I've been thinking about this constantly. And here is what I have concluded (If you could even say that the thought has concluded). I have some amazing friends in my life. But for some reason I am still lonely. And then it hit me. What about that ONE relationship. You know- that ONE. The ONE where God is supposed to be my friend. The ONE where I talk to God about anything and everything. Yeah, that ONE. It has kind of been lacking. Sure, I pray every once in a while. And sure He answers. But the relationship isn't really a relationship.
When I think about what a relationship should be, I immediately picture my cell phone. I picture my contact list and the order of which I call people when I need to talk. First my mom. Then I try my college friends. Then my mom's group. Sometimes I throw my sister or grandma into the mix too. But I have noticed that God is missing from my contact list. The ONE person I know I can count on to hear me, to help me, and to be my friend is the one person who isn't there.
So right now, I'm working on building up that relationship with God. When I start looking at my contact list, I am trying to remember to talk to God about it FIRST.

Peace out!

a little note about stress

2008-10-11T08:51:00.000-07:00

here is an email forward I recieved. I thought it was too good not to share.

Stress
A lecturer when explaining stress management to an audience,Raised a glass of water and asked'How heavy is this glass of water?'
Answers called out ranged from 20g to 500g.
The lecturer replied, 'The absolute weight doesn't matter.It depends on how long you try to hold it.
If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem.
If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm.
If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance.
In each case, it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes.'
He continued,
'And that's the way it is with stress management.If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later,as the burden becomes increasingly heavy,we won't be able to carry on. '
'As with the glass of water,you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again.
When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden.'
'So, before you return home tonight, put the burden of work down
Don't carry it home
You can pick it up tomorrow.
Whatever burdens you're carrying now,let them down for a moment if you can.'
So, my friend, Put down anything that may be a burden to you right now.
Don't pick it up again until after you've rested a while.
Here are some great ways ofdealing with the burdens of life:
* Accept that some days you're the pigeon,and some days you're the statue.
* Always keep your words soft and sweet,just in case you have to eat them.
* Always read stuff that will make you look goodif you die in the middle of it.
* Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can berecalled by their maker.
* If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
* If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again,it was probably worth it.
* It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply be kind to others.
* Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time,because then you won't have a leg to stand on.
* Nobody cares if you can't dance well.Just get up and dance.
* Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.
* The second mouse gets the cheese.
* When everything's coming your way,you're in the wrong lane.
* Birthdays are good for you.The more you have, the longer you live.
* You may be only one person in the world,but you may also be the world to one person.
* Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
* We could learn a lot from crayons... Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names, and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.
*A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
Have an awesome day and know that someone has thought about you today...I did.Peace out!

hesitation

2008-10-07T13:52:00.000-07:00

I am often listening to the radio. Right now you can usually find it tuned into 99.5 the Wolf. Like any other country station right now, one of the songs it is playing fairly often is the new one by Kenny Chesney called "Everybody Wants To Go To Heaven".

The chorus:
"Everybody wanna go to heaven
It beats the other place there ain’t no doubt
Everybody wanna go to heaven
But nobody wanna go now"

Anyhow, I was just thinking about this song. How true it is. I may not be trying to buy God off with a $20 in the offering plate like the song suggests, but I am hesitant.
I'm not thinking just about being hesitant to go to leave my place here on earth and join my Father, but even the little things.

I find myself hesitant when praying. Not just to pray for certain situations or people, but to pray in general. Yes, I know I should be praying- especially when I am uncertain and hesitant.
I find myself hesitant when serving. God called me here to serve others and I always find myself hesitating and thinking of myself instead.

If God said, "Layne, let's go..." Would I? Or would I come up with my bazillion excuses instead? I'm pretty sure it would be the latter. I'm not proud of this fact. But I am glad that I can see it and that I can admit it.
I am hoping that there is no hesitation. I need to follow God with all my heart and soul and mind. And there should be no doubt in there.

Today I decided that I (being super frustrated at the way my day was going) needed to listen to something that would bring me back to God. So I popped in some of those "old school" praise and worship Cd's.

One of the songs is one that I haven't sung in a while. It totally brought me back to my night chapel days at Concordia. Read the lyrics to "Every Move I Make".

"Every move I make, I make in You
You make me move, Jesus
Every breath I take, I breath in You
Every step I take, I take in You
You are my way, Jesus
Every breath I take, I breath in You
Waves of mercy, waves of grace
Everywhere I look I see Your face
Your love has captured me
Oh my God, this love, how can it be?"

This is how it is supposed to be. A life without hesitation. A life lived solely based on love. And not love of myself either- love of the Savior.
I think if my heart (and thus my actions) was motivated by that love, I would find that peace.

Our final words of peace are brought to us today from the hymn "It Is Well With My Soul".

"When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
when sorrows like sea billows roll;
whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well with my soul.
It is well with my soul, it is well, it is well with my soul.

Peace out!

giving thanks

2008-10-06T15:16:00.000-07:00

I have been praying for my sanity- specifically in the form of walks and a new stroller. In the past week 2 people have sent me unexpected gifts. I just want to say thanks to God and to these wonderful people for answering my prayer.

Peace out!

a gift

2008-10-04T07:58:00.000-07:00

i think this post will be long. Hopefully I will able to converge all the tracks to this train of thought and still make sense.

It all started with Veggie Tales Lord of the Beans. I think I've seen it everyday for the last week. And that is at least once a day if not twice. The verse of the day from the movie is Ephesians 6:10 which says, "For we are God's masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago" (NLT). The storyline follows "Toto" who has been given a bean- a great and powerful bean. He must make a journey to find out how to use his gift. It also goes very well with another verse. James 1:17 (NIV) says, "Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows." And that is where this post begins.

This past week I have been asking myself (and a few others) what is my gift? And my follow up question is whether or not I have been using my gift to serve others.

Here is what I have been thinking.

I know I have a gift for teaching. My dad always said so. I've seen it myself in my DCE days. But it one that scares me. I'm sure it has to do with investing everything in that gift and being "shot down" one too many times. I know I have this gift, but I know that it will take some coaxing to get me to use it.

Most of you know that I have a love for music and have a decent voice. This is another one of those gifts that I am scared to use. I love to sing, but hate solos or singing in the spotlight. That is why choir was always good for me. But since my church broke my heart once again, I have not been singing- even at home really.

I've also always seen myself as a networker. I like to hook people up for this or for that. I take pride in knowing who I know and what I know about them. I almost feel that I haven't gotten to use this gift as much as I used to when I was surrounded by people- such as in college. Now I feel like I am in my own little bubble- my baby cave (as my friend Heidi calls it). I tend to keep to myself.

I called my friend Katie to get a better picture of myself. In her message back she said that I have a gift for relationships- simply because I can say what needs to be said. When I called her again last night, we ended up phrasing it in a word my grandma has described me- a nurturer. I can honestly say that I feel like I have been using this gift. Most days it is in the form of Mama. Hopefully there are other people in my life that can say that God has used me to nurture them when they have needed it most. I just hope that I haven't abandoned that gift/those people in my life when God needed that gift there.

I have always loved looking at myself and seeing more of me. As I learn about myself I often find some peace in that. I think this list is a good start. There might be other things that should be included on this list. But this list is what God has provided thus far. I have a goal of being 100% where I am. I feel that I am far from that goal, but I still have it. Right now that means wife, Mama, and friend. And I am trying hard. I am trying hard not to be selfish- but to use those gifts God has provided for his ministry- relationships.

There are probably a dozen other things I could have written in this post. But I am at peace with this. I encourage anyone who might stumble upon this blog to think about yourself. What gifts has God given you? Are you using them for yourself or for Him? I think the peace comes when you use it for Him.

Peace out!

a walk

2008-09-30T17:00:00.000-07:00

I am not unlike my mom. My Mom is a walker. She walks everyday that she can.
I enjoy walking. However, I rarely get out and walk.

As I am missing taking walks, I have begun to realize why I am missing them so much. They are my outlet. I love being outdoors. Unfortunately I am not savvy or coordinated to much more outdoors than walk. I think being outdoors helps me connect with God. I can see the beauty He created. I can even break down what I am seeing biologically and that just brings me closer yet.
Walks give me time to think- to pray. Sometimes it is just in my head, sometimes it is outside of my head. The fresh air helps clear the head too.

But it is my opportunity for freedom. It is my opportunity to meet God. And yet as I love it so much, I am still sitting right here- in front of the computer just whining about it. Oh, I have excuses- and most of them are pretty dang good. But I still miss walking. There are so many mornings when I just want to get up and go. But obligations to babies and a little boy usually set my feet (or in this case- my butt) back on the ground and I don't go.

Today we went to the zoo because our membership was expiring today. We won't renew until the spring and only if we have some money. But it felt good. It was good to get out of the house. It was good to see God's creation. It was good to get some fresh air and some exercise.

So I decided that this should be one of those specific prayers. I'm praying for a stroller for all 3 boys. That way when I want to go- I can. Here is a stroller that looks like it would work great for us. It is called the Joovy Big Caboose. It can accommodate 2 infant seats. Or they can just sit in the seat. Plus there is a toddler platform for Jackson to stand or if he tires- a rear facing seat.
A stroller would eliminate most of my not walking excuses. Please pray for me. I need to get out of the house and get on a walk. I need my sanity. I need my time with God. I need my peace.

Peace out!

Exactly!...what?

2008-09-23T21:33:00.000-07:00

Bear with me- my thoughts are all over the place and therefore, so is the way I am writing.

So, Sunday I was talking to my friend Kate and we got on the subject of prayer. She was saying that when she prays she prays for exactly what she is seeking. She says they are very specific prayers and God answers them. She prayed for a house that had certain features. She said her list was long and God gave all but 3. When she was praying for a new car she even included the color. Guess what, she got that pretty green.
I decided that meant it to be a challenge for my prayer life. Of course my prayer life could use a challenge. Right now it is kind the prayer life where I have a thought and then think-"God, take that as a prayer."
For Sunday and Monday I was trying hard to decide what to pray for "specifically". My list seemed petty. I thought about my itch to move. I thought about how we don't even have money for a tank of gas. Finally last night before falling asleep, I decided that my prayer just needed to be a prayer about direction. Should I be looking to move or should I be looking for a stay at home job? Because I had a hard time being specific- I just asked God to show me "Specifically" what I need to be focusing on right now. "Specifically" the direction he wants me to take.

An answer came today. I am not sure if it gives me more peace or not. I guess I just need to pray more. But my friend Heidi called me and asked me if I was still interested in taking one of those learn at home courses on bookkeeping because she would be willing to possibly hire me to help with her bookkeeping for Silly Goose Baby. It is a direction. And it is one that I had pretty much given up on. But I called the US Career Institute today for some free information. Maybe my next prayer about this direction should be for the money to take the course.

So, I am learning to pray for specific things. It doesn't always seem peaceful on the surface just because of my fears. But because the Lord is the one specifically answering my prayers, I know that peace will come through that trusting relationship.

Peace out!

Lost

2008-09-21T20:25:00.001-07:00

I've been lost.
I've been so busy with the ridiculous things that make me busy that I have become lost. In the last 2 years I have had 3 boys, quit a church and started going again, meddled dauntlessly in other people's affairs, and have totally lost myself.
I've realized that I need to find that peace in my life once again. I used to readily rely upon the Lord. But that is one thing about being lost- it is hard to find the right way once you've strayed. I need to get back there. I need to remember what the Lord has given me- rejoice in it- and come to find that peace again.
So Lord, hear my cries for help. Remind me of the way back there.

Peace out!

prayer warriors

2007-02-03T09:54:00.000-08:00

It has been sooo long since my last attempt at writing down my heart. I quit because nobody cares and nobody reads this. But maybe I need it for me more than anything.
In the past year or how ever long it has been since I have blogged, I have been very large and pregnant, I have given birth to a boy, I have learned what mamahood is all about. I have struggled in my relationships with everyone, I have struggled with my role in a church.
Yesterday some friends and I went to another friend's house to pray. It was hard for me. Not because the idea of praying through every room weirds me out- no, I like that. It was hard for me because sometimes I feel so far away from God. I know it is me and not Him. I know that my heart longs to be with Him. I am just making no effort or attempt to draw close to God. I have so many excuses (and I think they are all BS), but my heart hasn't been in anything.
How can I turn to God and pray for others and their struggles when I refuse to cast my own burdens on the Lord? I want to turn to Him. Yet, at the same time I am in hiding. My depression that comes with an inconsistent life wants me to hide from God as I hide from all my other relationships. I am trying. But I am failing. I know that this is because I have not asked God for His guidance and help. So, if anyone out there is reading this, pray for me. Pray that I can come to know Jesus again and to lean on Him. Pray that I might find that peace in Him once again. Also pray for my friend Christine and her family who are feeling more than their share of spiritual warfare.
Peace out!

worship

2006-03-26T13:00:00.000-08:00

For the last couple of weeks, I have really wanted to post on here- but I have been unsure about what. Different thoughts have come to mind, but nothing seemed to fit with where my heart has been. So as I began to share my recent thoughts on worship, I will proceed with how I have been affected.
For starters- for the last month or so, I haven't been satisfied with worship at church. It has honestly just come down to the song selection and my preferences. I have felt that we have taken a step backward from where we have been. And I have felt that the songs we have been singing have been irrelevent my relationship with God. I was afraid that I was letting my personal feelings get in the way of worshiping God. After all- it isn't about me, it is about Him.
I was afraid my attitude was keeping me (and maybe those around me) from coming close to God. I talked about it with a couple of people, but worship to me still felt unresolved.
Last Sunday- Due to other obligations on Sunday morning, my friend Heidi asked me to teach her 5th grade Kid's for Christ class. I agreed to do it (especially because I have missed teaching). I began to prepare on Wednesday. I found out that the lesson was based on the Gospel lesson where Jesus went to the Temple and overthrough those selling there. The interesting part of the curriculum was the "behind the scenes" background informatin for the teachers. Those selling in the Temple weren't just selling to those who needed an animal for sacrifice- they were denying animals brought in and over charging for the animals they were selling. Worship became about appearances and not about the heart. It became insincere.
As I continued to prepare for the lesson on sincere worship, I kept asking myself, what is worship? What does it mean to worship God? I referenced back to my Purpose Driven materials. The definition for worship there comes from Matthew 22:37. It says, "Jesus replied, `You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.'"
Conclusion- That is what worship is. It isn't about the song selection. It isn't even limited to music. It is me loving God with all that I am. It isn't even restricted to time or place. It is all I am, all the time. It has been so helpful to me to get back the "heart" of what worship is. It has allowed me to worship God and not hinder myself or those around me like those in Temple selling the animals. And because I can offer all of me to God- and know what it means to truly worship God, I have a peace that I hope can be shared with others.

Peace out!

mystery

2006-02-12T22:20:00.000-08:00

So last night at my SALT group, I was asked the question- What do you think about God? Of course this was precidented with the answers that came with the curriculum we were using. Some people thought God was a hunk (And this is why I don't like "feeling" or "my opinion" questions). Or they thought of Him in this highly scientific way. But I honestly don't think that I have ever been asked that question. What DO I think about God?
My answer came stubling out of my mouth. And I am not sure that I agree with it now. The three individuals who went before me all said talked about God on a personal level. They all said something about how loving He is. But that wasnt the first thought in my head. I thought about when I was going through AP Biology back in high school. I was always absolutely astounded at the breakdown of science. Something that seems so simple to an ordinary person could be broken down from organizm to cells to the mitochondria and the krebs cycle. Creation obviously wasn't so simple. And of course, this is what I talked about as my face began to glow red. I talked about how God just blows me away.
And then my friend Todd gave the word I was looking for. He said, "Mystery." And that was the perfect word to describe my thoughts. God is a mystery. And not just any mystery- but my mystery. I am the one, who through a personal journey with Him, He unveils Himself to me. He wrote His personal love letter- the Bible, for me to know Him more and go deeper with Him. He gave me relationships in my daily life so that I might understand not only love and support, but pain and disappointment.
I'm not always the best at even being willing to unlock the Mystery. Most times I don't even want to. I don't want to be able to comprehend God and who He is or why He chose me. I don't want Him to be so simple that He becomes irrelevant and something I turn my back on. Of course, I dont want Him to be so complicated that a child (or anyone else for that matter) cannot see the love that He has to offer.
I guess it just comes back to me putting my faith in Him. Trusting Him to show me who He is at the appropriate times. Trusting Him to be simple when I just need love and complex when I need something deeper. Yes! God is my Mystery. The Mystery in which I find salvation and life everlasting. The Mystery which commands a love with no bounds. The Mystery that can seemingly complicate my life- but at the same time, bring a peace that passes beyond my understanding. Now that is Mystery.
Peace out!

focus

2006-02-11T21:51:00.000-08:00

So it has definately been a while since my last post. And so many things to potentially post about. And after debating with myself on what I should post on, I have concluded I need to post about my excuses.
Ever since Wednesday, the 16th of November, my life has been a little out of focus. You see, that is the day I found out I was about to be a mom for the first time in my life (excluding my dogs of course).
All thoughts suddenly shifted from the big, deep questions I was facing in life to other ones- what does it really mean to be pregnant? to be a mom? I suppose it didn't really help that I was facing some of those early pregnancy symptoms. I am still dealing with the fatigue, although it is much better now.
However, my focus has been out the window. And that really bothered me. I was having trouble focusing in a conversation, much less a prayer to my heavenly father. I was having trouble focusing on the daily tasks that need to take place in my home. (Some of those, like cleaning the bathroom, are still a little fuzzy sometimes). I was having trouble focusing on anything other than my and the tiny being inside. For a couple of months, I feel I have been nothing but selfish and self-focused.
Now that I am trying to get past that fuzzy, unfocused phase I don't even know where to start with my thinking. I don't know where I am at in my relationship with God. I don't know where I want to be.
Last Sunday at church, Pastor Chuck quoted this famous insight. I don't know who it is from but it really struck home to me.
"As a person thinks, so he is."
How true has that really been of me. Without my thinking and asking questions of God, I haven't felt whole or like myself. I have felt lost and in a fuzz. I want to be asking the questions of God that seem to be stricking me. I want to be able to push those around me to deeper thoughts. I want to be more through Christ. I just have to get to that point.
While this blog has been forming (and definately like I thought it would) in my mind, the actual publishing has given me a peace.
Peace out!

barbarians

2005-11-18T11:21:00.000-08:00

I've been reading. I know- a fatal flaw to my existing mind. One of the books I am currently reading is called The Barbarian Way by McManus. I like it but I dont' like it. I like it because it calls us to live as barbarians for Christ. A passion and a heart for Christ doesn't mean it is civilized and fits with what we are used to. But I dont' like the book because I don't know how to be a barbarian. I am a very civilized person. I also think that I am often times too serious for my own good. How can I surrender my inhibitions and be comfortable with 1) who God made me, 2) with just following Christ? I think it is a hard line to walk- especially being schooled at a Christian school.
All my life I have been taught how to respect God, the church, the Bible. But I don't think I have been taught how to experiece God in a no holds barred kind of way. I dont' think I have been taught how to be myself. Instead, I have been trained to fit into that cookie cutter mold of what a Christian should be. I don't want to be there any longer, but I don't know how to break the mold. I don't know how to accept and experience the adventure in me- the adventure of God.
I know that I have always been concerned with what people think of me. But it wasn't until know that I have realized that I have always been concerned with what I think of me. I want to fit in. I want to be a "good Christian". I want, I want, I want... Since when is it about me? Since I died on the cross? Since I forgive sins and opened heaven? No- it is not me or about me. But about Jesus Christ. If I can surrender my self centeredness and my personal, worldy ideals maybe I can be a barbarian. And maybe I can have a peace from God about following Him with no holds barred.
Peace out!

intimacy

2005-11-05T14:42:00.000-08:00

I don't know why. But for some reason I am amazed of what God puts in my life at certain times. I shouldn't be amazed because He is God. But never-the-less, I am amazed.
1) I recently left three churches I was working at because I didn't have relationships. I felt that being an outsider wasn't all my fault and that the people there should have tried harder to bring me in. So I move. I am now in Vancouver, Washington. Many people at the previous churches thought I was a cop out for coming here because this is where my husbands family is from. On the other hand it is very scary to me. Why? Because while this may be "home", I don't know anyone or have significant relationships here. Virtually I am still in the same boat I have been in for the past 8 months. So point number one- I desire hard core friends- the ones you can be so honest with it hurts.
2) I have been reading some books recommended to me by my friend and pastor, Martin. My favorite so far has been Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller. The reason I liked it was not because I've been where he has been. It isn't because it speaks a lot about Christianity and religion. No, I liked it because of its honesty. I liked it because it affirmed my longing for relationships. I liked it because it challenged me where I am at.
3) I have been having some interesting dreams lately. Many of my dreams feature people from high school- namely my friends Gloria and Kimber. They were my two of my best friends in high school. And I think we could be honest with each other to the point it hurt. But that is just me.
4) The other day I was lying down and I remembered that the next day would be Gloria's birthday. I hoped I remembered right because I was going to call her. I haven't really talked to her in 5 years. But I wanted to call her for her birthday. I called. But I was so nervous. She answered the phone. I don't think either one of us could really believe that the other one was on the other end. The conversation felt rushed and unsure. I know why too. I was scared about the relationship that was from the past and the one I was hoping for in the future. I wanted to be her friend again, but I didn't know how. So, we exchanged emails and blogs.
5) Today I finally got up the guts to let myself back into this girl's life. I checked out her blog. And this is where I found myself amazed. She is reading the book. She is struggling for significant relationships as I am. She might be 3000 miles away, but our hearts and souls are still strangely connected. And I thank my God for leading me to this challenge.

I want to be her friend again. But I don't know how. I want to have intimacy again, but I am afraid. I know I will fail when it comes to keeping in touch- I always have. But God put this desire for other people in my heart. He must know something about what we need, right? So, why is this so hard? Is it because I want that honesty, but I am afraid I will foul that up too? Is it because true intimacy in a relationship requires that utmost trust and I don't have that anymore? I am struggling. But my prayer is that God will continue to push me to the place He wants. And in doing that, He will continue to amaze me.
He will continue to provide for me. And He will continue to give me peace.
Pace Fuori!

all heart

2005-10-06T16:07:00.000-07:00

My husband used to play baseball. I used to watch him play baseball. But one thing I loved the most was what you didn't see on the field. I saw it on the inside of his hat. Every year (I think) he would write inside, "All Heart". Baseball shouldn't be about the politics or the self-glory. It should be about the heart.
My ministry in the Upper Okanogan has been anything but heart. It has been people pleasing, self-glorification, and traditional. It has not in any right been me.
In a conversation with a dear friend and former advisor my heart decided to speak. And it didn't just speak a word or two. It launched into grief and mourning.
This is what it had to say.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When I came here and it wasn't Concordia, I reverted back to my first day of camp self. I tried to meet new people and jump in there. But I was scared out of my mind. And when my efforts were not reciprocated, I decided that what I was doing wasn't good enough. I suddenly found myself not in camp mode- but in the mode I find in Georgia with my family. I like to call it the people-pleasing, independent mode. And I am rather ashamed of this.
I became the person who was only trying to please people instead of honestly calling it for what it is. I became the person who didn't need anybody else to talk to because I could carry this on my own. And I have seen the results. And I never want to go there again. I let three churches, for the most part, carry on like they always have. Sure, I tried teaching and training. But people saw me as the be all end all. Sure I was out of the box as far as ministry goes. But because of my independent nature, they thought that was just me and didn't see it as a paradigm for ministry. Sure I didn't confide in too many people or go to them when I was hurting. And as a result there are a very high number of people who are angry with me. Let me tell you- I am learning from my experiences.
But the number one thing I realized I abandoned when I started here- is my dream. I abandoned the very dream that God gave me. I abandoned all notions I had of turning ministry upside down. Instead, I did what was expected of me and of a traditional DCE paradigm. And of course, I wasn't happy.
God is teaching me so much right now. Through my experiences- through the people (both vocal and silent) around me- and especially through my aching heart. I just hope I can help amend the damage that I have caused here in my lack of respect to these people. So yes- relationships are the rise and fall of ministry.
Right now I am at a place between happy and sad. I am happy that God is giving me the opportunity to start over and rediscover and experience the dream he put in my heart. But I am sad that so many people have been negatively affected by my choice to leave.
I don't know what to say to them when they say they are sorry I am leaving. I can't say, "that's okay," because I don't think it is. Sometimes I say "I'm sorry too," because I am sorry it didn't work out. But they don't see it that way.
I am also happy because I am going to Vancouver and to Christ Community-a community I love. But I am scared to death. I don't know what I am going to do. I don't know how I am going to do it. It is going to be uncomfortable. Maybe like that first day of camp or college. Maybe I will grow in that chaos and that uncomfortableness. I pray that I never become comfortable. But I am praying for relationships.
I hope I didn't burden your heart too much. But the Holy Spirit led me to write this. And most of it is a "first" in my line of thinking. It is the first time I have ventured these thoughts, much less shared them. This conversation has opened my eyes too.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My heart is speaking so much. And it reminds me of my husband's love of baseball. It needs to be "all heart" when it comes down to it. Otherwise it is pointless and a waste of time. I know God doesn't think I am pointless and a waste of time. Therefore, my heart needs to be in my ministry. My heart needs to be heard. My dream needs to be lived out

Peace out! (With God's peace of course)

fickle feelings

2005-09-28T14:04:00.000-07:00

I just looked and realized that it has been several months since I have last written in my blog. And then I realized why. About the time of the last blog, my life was changing dramatically.
I am out in the middle of nowhere (Okanogan County) doing this intership thing. At this point, I don't think I really know what I was getting into.
You see, I was about to put on 3 different and distinct vacation Bible schools at three different and distinct congregations. I was about to have a houseful for the summer months with out a moment just for my husband and myself. My house was about to be vacant for three weeks in August when I did the whole church camp thing.
I went to college for 4 years to become a Director of Christian Education. But what does that really mean? Yeah, yeah...I know there are 6 distinct roles that we are trained to take on. I know that we are here to "equipped to equip".
But what I don't know is this. If ministry is all about relationships, why do they stick ya in a place that you don't know and it doesn't care to know you? If everybody knows that my job is to equip, why do they keep telling me otherwise by actions and words? And if being a Christian is about spreading the Gospel- the TRUTH- to the rest of the world, why do we think it means locking ourselves in a church building for an hour on Sunday?
I am just struggling with this concept of church work. I came here. I was nice. I tried not to make too many changes all at once. I tried to understand the culture. And now I am leaving.
At first, I was not only done with this internship thing, I was done with church work all together. I don't want to be like those individuals who think church has to be done one way and all other ways are of the devil. I don't want to hole myself up in the church. I want to be in relationships. I want to have conversations. I want not only to be wanted myself, but to want other people.
I read a book.
I know- big mistake for someone like me who can be so easily influenced. But it is called The Present Future by Reggie McNeal. Changed my life. Changed my perspective of the dying church.
Actually, it kind of make me look fickle. I still want out of the Upper Okanogan. But that is only because they are not ready for me. But I know that I can make a difference to ministry. I know that ministry can once again look like it did when Christ was on the earth. I know that God is going to use me in this area.
I am asking for prayers in the big transitions I am going through. I am moving in a month. I am finishing my internship at a church quite unlike the last 3. I am changing the face of my ministry as well as my underlying philosphy. And to be quite honest with you, I am absolutely terrified. But God is with me. He has given me this faith.
I challenge anyone who reads this to think about your ministry. Is it what you want it to be? Is it comfortable? Is it reaching your dreams? Is it where God is leading you? Why are you doing what you are doing?
Think about it. No- pray about it. But pray knowing that your eyes are going to be opened (and quite possibly in ways you don't want to think about).
It is about God- not about us.

Peace out!

answer

2005-05-19T12:26:00.000-07:00

Just a quick update-
Prayers have been answered. Kevin was hired yesterday to work as a part of the Walmart staff. The good thing is that he will be working part time (apx 32 hours weekly). Also, his part time job just doubled our monthly income. We can start paying off some of that debt. Apparently Walmart is also one of the best companies to work with in the US. It allows for ladder climbing. Thank you Jesus for this opportunity!
But continue to pray because Walmart is 42 miles away from here. We only have 1 vehicle, so pray his hours work so we don't have to purchase a new vehicle.
Peace out!

full house

2005-05-17T10:56:00.000-07:00

Sitting on my lap right now is an orange and white ball of fuzz. He goes by Spitz. (Like the sunflower seeds). He is the newest addition to our family. And he is also a kitten. He is only 5 weeks old, so he is super small. Spitz is Kevin's birthday present. We're glad to have him. But our house is full now. No more babies for us for a little while. I'll upload a picture in a couple of days. We have a really cute one with Spitz sleeping with Peaches.
For me, getting a cat is like having two children of one gender and suddenly the third child is a different gender. They don't think or act the same. I am learning all over again the little things about being a mom. The puppies love him, but can be a little rough with him sometimes. I'd like to give the cat more freedom, but I still have to protect him.
I suppose it is just like our relationship with God. We think we could use more freedom, yet the world can still be a little to rough on us for us to go out unprotected. God protects us by giving us His Word and by helping us out in different situations. At least I have a great role model as a parent.
Peace out!

sleepy time

2005-05-14T22:52:00.000-07:00

So when does anybody have time to sleep? I love my sleep. And lately I have seemed sleepier than usual. It might be the busy schedule. It could be the dread of my daily stepping on of toes. Or it could be the multiple doses of allergy medicine. Whatever the case, I'm sleepy.
Today I started the day at around 6 am. I just couldn't sleep anymore. I rode in the May Festival Parade. Ate lunch with some friends at the community bbq. Washed some windows at the church. Steam cleaned part of my carpet, returned the steam cleaner from where we rented it. And finally we went up the mountain to have a weenie roast with some more friends. The last part was the best. And it lasted for several hours.
But the thing is, it is 11pm, and I am not done for the day. I have stuff to do and prepare for tomorrows busy schedule. That schedule includes 2 church services, a camp crafts meeting, and a mentor meeting for myself. I recently changed my day off from Saturday to Monday. So, you can imagine what day I am looking forward to. I am so happy God decided to take a day to rest. I just wish he had taken more.
Peace out!

sunshine and roses

2005-04-28T14:06:00.000-07:00

The sun is shining. The birds are singing. Life is pretty peachy right now. I ran into a guy from church today when I was at the bakery. And he said "Have fun and enjoy life because it is short." How true is that. I think that sometimes I tend to take life too seriously to every have fun. But I have to remind myself to take the time and enjoy everymoment. Even the "bad" moments are moments to enjoy. I have to remind myself that they are bringing me closer to God. They are teaching me innumerable words of wisdom. They help me to see the good my life really has.
Right now, Kevin and I are still struggling to find him work. The church has decided to have him come and wash windows instead of hiring somebody else. There are people looking out for us, but that is about all that they can do sometimes.
Another stuggle involves boundaries. Not mine- but those of my dogs. Peaches, our newly aquired pound puppy, has been jumping the back fence and getting out at least once a day for the last week.
I am also struggling right now because my parents are having trouble in their marriage. I'm not going to go into any details, but they need all the prayer that they can get.
But other than that life is at a high. I have 2 confirmation classes. I am facilitating "becoming a contagious christian" by bill hybels for a class of 12. I get free video rentals. My two dogs are great. My husband loves me. I am getting a little bit (and I mean very little bit) of a tan from the wonderful sunshine. God is good all the time. All the time God is good! Amen.
Peace out!

happenings

2005-04-19T11:38:00.000-07:00

So much is happening right now.
Internship is great. I love work. I just feel accomplished and like I make a difference. I can't always see the difference, but I know that I have created a wrinkle in time. So far on internship, my biggest endeavors have been confirmation (2 classes come the 22nd of April), facilitating Becoming a Contagious Christian, and especially getting to know the people. Upcoming projects include starting a children's church, creating a youth ministry, and I'd like to see a family newsletter put into place.
On Sunday I took two girls to Wenatchee for a youth training rally with guest speaker Jose Zayas. It was awesome. I don't think the girls had ever experienced anything like it before- 1000 youth, loud Christian rock music, and somebody who convicted them to live out their faith. I had a blast too. I can't wait to get more girls involved.
Family life is good. Kevin and I recently had an addition- a pound puppy. Her name is Peaches and she is 6 months old. We think she was abused by her previous owners because she cowers and is scared of many things. She is part JRT and part huge. But she and Shortstop are best friends and love to chase each other in our sunny back yard. She is making huge progress just in the couple of days we have had her.
Kevin still can't find a job. He interviewed at a local wine and gift shop, but the manager has not called back to offer or deny the job and she was supposed to last Friday. I'm hoping she has just been busy and that she will call anytime with that job offer.
I personally love the area here. The people are great. I like my job- even the struggles. Kevin isn't so sure. If my internship site extended a call to me, I don't know if we could accept it because he has no opportunity to work. But keep praying that he gets a job. Also keep praying that God leads us where He wants us and strengthens us where we need it.
Peace Out!

does anybody know what time it is?

2005-03-25T08:10:00.000-08:00

So I don't like part of my job. That is pretty much a give-in for everybody, right? But the thing I don't like is my hours. My office hours are supposed to be from 2-9ish pm. But it doesn't fit me. I wake up early. Anybody who knows me will tell you that I am somewhat of a morning person. Here I wake up around 7:30 am everyday. That may not be early to some, but if you didn't have to get up would you? Another reason I don't like my hours is because it takes me away from my husband. I like to cook. And dinner just happens to be the perfect time of day to cook. But at least 3 days a week, I don't even get to eat dinner with him if I actually followed my hours the way I am supposed to. When I say "supposed to" it is because I get up at 7:30, do my devotion and breakfast thing. After that, I usually do work related tasks at home. I actually hate going to an office in the church too.
I suppose I am supposed to be talking about this to either my pastor or my 6 mentors. Problem is, Pastor goes in for surgery on Monday and will be out of commission for quite a while. And I don't meet with my mentors for quite a while either.
I guess I could pray about it, and create a better working plan to present. But I needed to vent a little about my unfavorable situation.
Other than that, internship is great. I like working and doing the things they have me doing. I even like the fact that I am taking regular time to be with God. It rocks!
Peace out!

cliff jumping

2005-03-15T16:44:00.000-08:00

At last I get to write here. It has been so long-one month tomorrow. Although not a lot has taken place here, too many things to count have taken place with me.
I moved.
I started working.
I have a different way of life now- one that I am not entirely used to yet. That includes dial up verses broadband or dsl. That should explain a lot.
Exciting news in the life of a DCE: I start one confirmation class tomorrow. At first I was dreading the whole scenario just as if I were the one taking confirmation. I had my time of dessent and "going off" on the system. Then I decided I should do something about it. I am "cliff jumping" and changing the way it will be done here from now on.
There is of course fear. There is of course exhilaration. And there is question. But I know that God will be with me. He has sent me a pastor who supports me and even likes my approach to things. He has sent me four or five guinea pig boys cliff jump with. The Lord will provide.
Pace Fuori

anticipation

2005-02-16T17:50:00.000-08:00

This weekend is the big week. It is the time to move and to claim a new home for my husband, my dog, and me. I'm not so nervous as I am anticipatory. I have no idea what it will be like. I know that the area is very different from where we are now. But I don't know how well we are going to handle it. Kevin won't have a job. I will have a full time job instead of just my nannying on the side. And my pup will have to learn to be in a room alone. Not to mention, we won't know anyone.
I guess this is one of those opportunities that God gives to actually surrender. At least, that is what I am hoping for. I need the cattle prod every once in a while. So, God, here we come.

surrender

2005-02-07T11:20:00.000-08:00

Today I awoke singing a song as usual. Well, maybe it isn't "as usual", but most often I do. However, what struck me the most was not the fact of the song, but rather the words. I awoke singing "I surrender it all to you...I let go and give it to you." It is not unusual for me to be singing a praise song. But I always like to analyze what song it is I am singing. You see, I have always felt that the songs I sing in the morning are the songs God has laid on my heart.
I talked to God yesterday about helping me to surrender. I've been taking him for granted lately. I haven't been reading the Word. I only pray when I am bored and have nothing else to do. Yesterday at church I asked God to help me. And today I woke up with a song about surrendering.
It is quite obvious to me that surrendering is what I need to do. I need to turn my life over to God. Not just the big things like internship and my marriage. But also the little things like potty training my puppy and cleaning the bathroom. I have forgotten to JOYOUSLY include God in my life, in all things, and in all circumstances. I have let my idleness get in the way of our relationship. Today, after God's prompting, I have decided to work at our relationship. So pray for me.
Peace out!

surprise!

2005-02-05T13:57:00.000-08:00

Today I am going to the opera. I love the arts, especially music and theatre. However today I am privileged to go because it is a suprise for Marilyn, my husband's grandma. She loves the arts too.
It has been so long since I have been the Portland Opera House. I think the last production I saw there was Les Mizerables. That was more than a year ago.
I think I enjoy it so much because of the magic which it possesses. It allows me to imagine myself in such a smaller context and to visualize the world and its tradgedies in a different light. The arts always hold such universal truths as well. Who knew that Julius Ceasar by Shakespeare could manage to teach us still today? Or that Puccini could make us laugh with La Boheme.
This will be my first time to see Madame Butterfly by Puccini. But I am thrilled to be a part of the surprise for Marilyn, as well as a part of the magic.

2005-02-04T10:59:00.000-08:00

Shortstop is my new Jack Russell Terrier pup. He is 9 weeks old in this picture.

Rainy Day

2005-02-04T10:52:00.000-08:00

Today is a rainy day. Not super rainy, but not just misty either. But it is steady. I like the rain. It seems to mellow things out. It is just what I needed for my day off. I need the peace that it brings, not to mention the smell of the rain hitting the dirt. It helps me gather my thoughts. It helps me read my books. It helps me be nice in a season of not so nice.
I am happy today is rainy. On the contrary, my new puppy Shortstop, does not. It makes it hard for him to remember where he is supposed to use the restroom. It makes it hard for him to eat all the twigs and grass in the back yard. While he thinks of rain as a disruption to life, I think of it as a vacation.
It is a vacation because it reminds me to take time think and reflect. I am not a good reflector. I find it hard to stick to the task. When I do, however, I find it most refreshing. I notice how the little things in life once again make me happy. I find it easier to say something nice (especially to my husband). I find the contentment and peace that only God can give.
Thank you Jesus for this rainy day.

first time blogger

2005-01-30T16:14:00.000-08:00

blogging is an art that i am not too familiar with. i discovered it through my friend katie and i decided that it may be something cool to do for the benefit of others. you see, i am not that great at keeping in touch with all my friends and family. i would like to be, but it has never worked out well for me. i think that blogging will act, not only as a journal of sorts, but also as a newsletter to those i hold dear in my heart.
blogs will consist of special tidbits about me, kevin, shortstop, and the life of a church worker. it also allows readers the opportunities to respond to what i have to say. so, here's to my first attempt at blogging. enjoy!